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601 The One After Vegas
[Scene: The Wedding Chapel, continued from last season. Chandler and Monica are about to get married.]
Chandler: Okay! (Stands up) This is it! (Claps his hands) We're gonna get married!
Monica: Are you sure you wanna do this?
(Suddenly the doors burst open, and ROSS AND RACHEL COME OUT ARM-IN-ARM!!!!! And Rachel's carrying a bouquet!!! THEY GOT MARRIED!!!!)
Ross: Well, hello, Mrs. Ross! (Throws some rice.)
Rachel: Well, hello, Mr. Rachel! (Throws some more rice.)
(They storm out into the street.)
Rachel: Wait! (Gets her bearings) Okay!
(She goes one way; he goes the other. The camera pans back to Chandler and Monica, and needless to say, they're standing there dumbstruck.)
Monica: Whoa!
Chandler: Oh my God!
Joey: (entering with Phoebe) Come on Pheebs! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!
Phoebe: Okay! Okay! Okay! (They run into the chapel.)
(Chandler and Monica are stunned again.)
Chandler: Oh my God!! Is everybody getting married?!!
(Phoebe and Joey run back out and head towards the street.)
Attendant: (scolding them) N-No running in the chapel!
Phoebe: (to her) Hey! Don’t you give me any of your—Hey! (Sees Chandler and Monica standing there.)
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Monica: What are you guys doing here?
Joey: Ross and Rachel left us a message saying they were getting married! Isn’t that why you guys are here?
Chandler: Yes! Well that-yes.
Monica: Why else would we be here?
Joey: Well! What happened?! Did we miss it?
Chandler: We actually missed it.
Phoebe: Well, maybe you wouldn’t have had you (turns to the attendant) run in the chapel!
Monica: This is insane!
Phoebe: What’s the big deal, y’know? It’s not like it’s a real marriage.
Chandler: What?!
Phoebe: Yeah, if you get married in Vegas, you’re only married in Vegas.
Monica: What are you talking about? If you get married in Vegas you’re married everywhere.
Phoebe: (shocked) Really?!
Monica: Yeah!
Phoebe: Oh my God!—Eh! Well…
Opening Credits
{Transciber’s note: In case you haven’t heard, Courteney Cox got married to David Arquette during hiatus and changed her name to Courteney Cox Arquette. But David was a busy boy during the off season for not only did he marry but everyone else as well. For they’re all listed as Jennifer Aniston Arquette, Lisa Kudrow Arquette, in an interesting twist Matt LeBlanc Arquette, Matthew Perry Arquette, David Schwimmer Arquette, and even the creators of the show are now David Crane Arquette and Marta Kauffman Arquette. I just wonder what the new sleeping arrangements are…}
[Scene: Rachel’s hotel room, she’s waking up with a horrendous hangover.]
Rachel: Ohhh! (Looks in the mirror and sees that she still has her mustache and groans.)
(Suddenly, there’s movement beside her, startling her. It’s Ross! He wakes up and they both start screaming in terror. Then they both grab their heads having aggravated their hangovers.)
Ross: Why are we in bed together?
Rachel: I don’t know. Do-do you have any clothes on?
Ross: (checks) Yeah.
Rachel: Really?!
Ross: No! But we-we didn’t have…sex-uh, did we? I mean, I don’t remember much about last night, it was such a blur.
Rachel: Oh! I remember laughing! I laughed a lot.
Ross: And we didn’t have sex.
(Rachel agrees with him and starts to get out of bed.)
Rachel: Ohh, I mean, we were really drunk. I’m just glad we didn’t do anything stupid.
Ross: (getting up) Tell me about it. (He sits up on the edge of the bed and has "Just Married" written on his back.)
[Scene: The breakfast buffet, Phoebe is already sitting at the table as Joey enters.]
Joey: Mornin’ Pheebs. (Sits down.) Well, my movie has officially been canceled.
Phoebe: Oh Joey, I’m so sorry. You want some of my breakfast?
Joey: Nah, I’m too depressed to eat. I’ll probably eat in like 5 minutes. So I guess I’ll just fly home with you guys, what time’s your flight?
Phoebe: What about my cab?
Joey: I don’t need that anymore.
Phoebe: No, Joey! You borrowed my cab; you have to drive it back.
Joey: I don’t want to drive all the way back by myself, I get so lonely. (Gets an idea.) Oh—ooh! How about you come with me?
Phoebe: I don’t know, it’s such a long trip.
Joey: It’ll be great! We-we could talk, and play games! Huh? This could be our chance to like renew our friendship.
Phoebe: Are you asking me to have a frenaissance?
Joey: Sure?
Phoebe: All right. Although I don’t think we need one, I never stopped loving you.
(Chandler and Monica enter.)
Chandler: Hi!
Joey: Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Chandler: So, has anyone talked to Dr. and Mrs. Geller yet?
Phoebe: Um-hmm, yeah. They left me a message; they should be here any minute.
Joey: Where is the waitress?! I’m starving!
Chandler: It’s a buffet man.
Joey: Oh, here’s where I win all my money back! (Gets up and heads for the buffet table with Chandler in tow.)
Chandler: Listen, I gotta talk to you.
Joey: Sure! What’s up? (He grabs a plate and proceeds to load it with a huge pile of scrambled eggs. Chandler just stares at him and Joey reluctantly gives him a spoonful.)
Chandler: Monica and I almost got married last night.
Joey: Oh my God! That’s huge! (Hugs him.) Wait a minute, why come I wasn’t invited? And who was going to be your best man? Don’t say, "Ross." Do not say, "Ross."
Chandler: Look, I just don’t think Monica and I are ready to get married yet! Y’know? I mean, I love her and everything but seeing Ross and Rachel coming out of that chapel was like a, like a wake-up call that Monica and I are moving so fast. Y’know? And, how do I tell her without crushing her?
Joey: Oh! Tell her she’s not marriage material.
Chandler: What?!
Joey: Girls say it to me all the time! And believe me, if she’s anything like me, she’s just gonna be relieved.
[Pan to Monica and Phoebe having the same conversation.]
Monica: How do I tell Chandler that it’s too soon. It’s gonna break his heart, he’s not gonna think that I don’t love him anymore.
Phoebe: Well you don’t.
Monica: Yes I do!
Phoebe: Good! Good! I was just testing you.
Chandler: (returning with Joey) Hi.
Monica: Oh hi! Hi! Y’know, we were just talking about bacon.
Phoebe: No, we were talking about tennis. Tennis is more believable.
(Ross and Rachel enter.)
Ross: Hey!
The Girls: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
(They both sit down and Rachel pours them both some coffee. They’re acting like nothing’s happened and everyone is just staring at them.)
Ross: What?
Chandler: Are we gonna talk about what you guys did last night? Or…
Rachel: (To Ross) I don’t know. (To the gang.) What do you mean last night? Nothing, nothing uh, happened last night.
Ross: Yeah!
Phoebe: Uh-huh! Ross invited us all to watch.
(Rachel turns to Ross stunned.)
Monica: Rach! We weren’t gonna miss our friends getting married!
Rachel: (gasps) Who got married?! (Ross is as surprised to hear this as she is.)
Chandler: (not quite sure) You did.
Ross: What?! Hello! We didn’t get married.
Rachel: No, we didn’t get married! That’s ridiculous!
(They turn to look at each other and suddenly remember that they did in fact get married.)
Ross: We-we-we—I remember being in a chapel.
Rachel: Oh my God.
Ross: I—They would not let us get married when we were that drunk!
Rachel: No!
Joey: They let you get married when you’re drunk! Most people who get married in Vegas are drunk!
Phoebe: Hell, I’m drunk right now! (They all turn and look at her.) What? I can’t have a mimosa with breakfast?! I’m on vacation!
Monica: What are you guys gonna do?
Rachel: Well, I guess we just find a divorce lawyer? (Looks at Ross.)
Chandler: Well, I think, I think, Ross already has one. Now, this one’s free, right? Because you paid for the first two, so the third one’s free.
Ross: Laugh it up, but the joke’s on you. Because we don’t need to get divorced, okay? We we’re just gonna get an annulment.
Joey: An annulment? Ross! I don’t think surgery’s the answer here.
Phoebe: Oh-oh, that’s your thing.
Ross: What?
Phoebe: You’re thing. You’re thing. Y’know? You’re the guy who gets divorced.
All: Oh yeah!
Ross: No-no, that’s-that’s not my thing! I do not love getting divorced!
Phoebe: Yes you do! This is your third divorce! You love divorce so much you’re probably gonna marry it! Then it won’t work out and you’re gonna have to divorce it, divorcing guy. (Pause) I’m so drunk.
[Scene: The casino floor, Chandler and Monica are walking through it.]
Monica: So, what do you think we should do?
Chandler: I don’t know. But I-I-I know I love you!
Monica: I know I love you! (They hug.)
Chandler: So where are we on the whole going back to the place where they have all the marriages thing? I love you.
Monica: That’s a good question. Look umm, last night we let the dice decide. Maybe we should leave it up to fate again. I love you!
Chandler: Yes, we don’t get married unless there’s a sign! Okay, so say uh, say you roll another eight (motions to the craps table) then there’s a definite sign that we should get married.
Monica: All right, eight we get married, but 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 12 we don’t get married.
Chandler: Sounds great.
Monica: Okay. (They approach the craps table.)
Croupler: Coming in, we got a shooter! Money please.
Monica: Ready?
Chandler: Ready!
Monica: (sarcastic) Come on eight.
Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, yes eight.
(Monica rolls the dice.)
Croupler: Eight! Easy eight. (She rolls a 3 and a 5 and they’re stunned.)
Monica: Wow! I can’t believe I actually rolled an eight.
Chandler: That was so unlikely. Well, let’s get married! I guess.
Monica: Wait a minute. That wasn’t a hard eight! Last night I rolled a hard eight.
Chandler: That’s right! It was the wrong kind of eight, no wedding! Damnit!
Monica: I wanted it so bad! (Pause) Wanna go pack?
Chandler: Yeah. (They go pack.) We’re doing the right thing, right?
Monica: Ohh, of course we are! (They walk up to the elevators.) We left it up to fate. (Pushes the elevator button.) If we were supposed to get married there would be a clear-cut sign. (The elevator door opens to a priest reading from a bible with Chandler and Monica standing side-by-side holding each other’s hands.)
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe’s cab, Phoebe and Joey are driving back. Phoebe is driving while Joey is sleeping.]
Phoebe: Okay, you have 19 questions left. Use them wisely. (Joey groans.) Come on Joey! You can’t win if you don’t ask any (sees that he’s asleep) QUESTIONS!!!
Joey: (wakes up) What?!
Phoebe: Well, you promised me a fun road trip! We’ve been on the road six hours and you’ve been asleep for five and a half! We are switching at the next rest stop and you are going to drive all the way back! That will be your punishment, you greedy sleeper!
Joey: All right. All right.
Phoebe: Yeah! And until then you are going to sing to me because the radio’s broken and you are selfish but have a nice voice.
Joey: Really? I don’t…
Phoebe: Sing!!
Joey: (starts singing) I wanna rock and roll all night! (Falls asleep.)
[Time lapse, Phoebe is asleep, Joey’s driving and having a hard time staying awake.]
Joey: (to himself) Man, this is a long drive! Are my eyes open? No! (He opens his eyes and sees a hitchhiker.)
[Time lapse, Phoebe is still asleep only Joey is now passed out next to her and the car’s still moving. She wakes up, sees Joey, and screams.]
Hitchhiker: (driving) Morning! (Phoebe screams again.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the couch as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hey, hubby!
Ross: Yeah. Yeah, actually um, I wanted to talk to you about that whole annulment thing?
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Ross: I’m not going to do that. (Rachel glares at him.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier. Rachel starts laughing.]
Rachel: Okay! So, we’ll just stay married.
Ross: Yes, exactly!
Rachel: And I will make everyone call me Mrs. Geller!
Ross: Wow! This is so amazing. I uh, I really thought I’d have to talk you into this more.
Rachel: Okay, see now I’m scared because I don’t actually think you’re kidding.
Ross: I’m-I’m not kidding. Look I-I, I can’t have three failed marriages. I can’t. Okay? I-I am not gonna be that guy!
Rachel: What-wh-what so we’ll just stay married forever?!
Ross: Okay, look, how is this gonna affect you? Really? I mean you fill some form out once and a while and instead of checking the box that says Ms you check the box that says Mrs.! It’s right next to it!
Rachel: Ohh, okay, I’m sorry. You’re right. Y’know what? We absolutely can stay married, because I was under the impression that the boxes were far away from each other. All right, look, just please, take a moment here and think about what you’re asking of me.
Ross: I’m asking you to do me a favor.
{Note: Does anyone else want to smack Ross right about now? Raise your hands. Okay, put them down before you stink out the person next to you.}
Rachel: You are asking me to be your wife!
Ross: And as my wife I think you should grant me this favor.
[Scene: The hallway, Chandler is helping Monica to the door.]
Monica: That kid really kicked me hard on the plane.
Chandler: Well you did pull his hair.
Monica: He took my snack!
Chandler: I’m not getting into this again!
Monica: Okay! Oh God, y’know what? It’s really bad.
Chandler: Well, I told you not to walk. Here. (Picks her up.) There. Okay. (He opens the door, carries her across the threshold, stops, backs out, and lets go of Monica who is only holding on by his neck.)
Monica: This doesn’t mean anything, does it?
Chandler: No!
Monica: Okay.
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe’s cab, she’s driving, Joey’s in the back seat, and the hitchhiker is riding up front with Phoebe.]
Phoebe: (To Joey) How could you pick up a hitchhiker?! He could be a rape—(She holds her hand in front of the hitchhiker’s face), a rapist or a killer or something!
Joey: Don’t you think I asked him that before he got in?!
Phoebe: Y’know what? I’m not talking to you! You go back to sleep! (To the hitchhiker) And you, are you a rapist?!
Hitchhiker: No!
Phoebe: Do you like car games?
Hitchhiker: Yeah, y’know the license plate game?
Phoebe: I love the license plate game!
Joey: Ooh, I’ll play! I’ll play!
Phoebe: No-No! You need your sleep. Night-night! Shh! (She closes the partition.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Ross: Listen, I know you wanted to talk to me, but I have an idea that may make you want to stay married. (Rachel shakes her head.) We register, and you get to keep all the presents!
Rachel: (thinks about it for a second) No! Ross, come on! No! Listen, look I thought a lot about how to tell you this and the bottom line, Ross, is we can not stay married.
Ross: I don’t know if it’s true.
Rachel: Oh b-b-but it is!
Ross: Oh, okay, y’know what this is? This is a difference of opinion. And when that happens in a marriage...
Rachel: Oh Ross, come on! This is not, this is not a marriage!! This is the world’s worst hangover! Ross, listen, if you do not get this annulment, I will!
Ross: All right. All right, I’ll do it.
Rachel: Thank you. (He goes to leave.) Hey-hey umm, uh, is there, is there any such thing as an annulment shower?
(Ross turns and leaves.)
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe’s cab, it’s the same arrangement as before.]
Hitchhiker: Wait! Wait! There is the train station!
Phoebe: Oh, okay.
Hitchhiker: This is where I get off. Well, I have your address and phone number.
Phoebe: And I have your name and the fact that you’re a drifter, so the ball’s pretty much in your court.
Hitchhiker: All right, see ya Pheebs. (Gets out and Phoebe drives away.)
Joey: Come on Pheebs! I can’t take this anymore! Let-let me make it up to you. Huh? (Starts singing.) Ground control to Major Tom. Commencing countdown, engines on. Take your protein pills and put your helmet on!
Phoebe: Stop it! Stop it no! That’s not fair! Y’know I can’t resist that beautiful voice!
Joey: Pheebs, I am so sorry! I know I promised you a fun road trip with your friend and I didn’t deliver. But-but-but now I know that you think being awake is an important part of friendship! So, so, so I will strive to-to stay awake for as long as I know you.
Phoebe: You can still sleep at night and stuff.
Joey: Well, thank you. So, can we play 20 Questions now? I’ve got a really good one! I’ve been thinking about it since Kansas.
Phoebe: Okay. Is it a kind of hot sandwich?
Joey: Yes.
Phoebe: Is it a meatball sub?
Joey: That is incredible! You are the master!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are there and Rachel is arranging a bouquet of flowers, pricks her finger on a thorn, throws the bouquet over her head, and those you who are quicker than some already know that Monica is the one who catches it.]
Rachel: Huh, that’s funny. You look like you’re gonna be the…
Monica: No, don’t say it! Don’t even think it!
Rachel: All right. Okay Chandler, enjoy your handful. (Exits.)
Chandler: All right, should we just, should we just get married? Y’know? I mean should we just do it? All the signs are telling us to do it.
Monica: I’m sick of the signs! It’s too fast, I’m happy the way things are!
Chandler: Me too!
Monica: I don’t want things to change! Do you?
Chandler: No!
Monica: All right then, then nothing changes! Everything is great! Everything stays the same! And you go unpack because it’s been three days and it’s driving me insane!
Chandler: Jeez, relax! It’s not like we’re mar-ah-ah!! (Runs out.)
Chandler: (entering, slowly) Y’know I was thinking, what if I uh, unpack here?
Monica: Then all your stuff would be here.
Chandler: Well, what if all my stuff was here?
Monica: Then you’d be going back and forth all the time, I mean it doesn’t make any sense.
Chandler: Okay. What if we lived together and you understand what I’m saying?
Monica: Live together? There have been no signs for that.
Chandler: Me asking is kind of a sign.
Monica: YES!!!!!!!!
Chandler: Okay!!!!!
(And the crowd goes wild! Well, at least the live studio audience.)
Monica: Yes! Okay! Okay! Wait-wait-wait!
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Here’s your key (Gets him one.)
Chandler: Oh thanks.
Monica: Here’s your key. All right, you have to christen it! Now, go out and come back in!
Chandler: The door hasn’t been locked in five years, but okay! (Runs out.) Ready?!
Monica: Ready!
(He tries, but something happens.)
Chandler: Okay, a little problem. The key broke in the lock and I can’t get in!
Monica: Wait! Oh my God! I can’t get out!
Chandler: This is not a sign!
Monica: No, it’s not a sign! It’s a very old key!
Chandler: It’s an old key!
Monica: Oh my God it’s old!
Chandler: I love you!
Monica: I love you!
Chandler: Are you hugging the door right now.
(Pause)
Monica: No.
Chandler: Yeah-yeah, me neither.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are on the couch as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hey, so did everything go all right with the annulment?
Ross: Oh, yeah, no problems. It’s all taken care of.
Rachel: Ross, thank you. Hey, do you guys wanna go see a movie?
Ross: Oh yeah, why not?
Rachel: Pheebs?
Phoebe: No thanks, I’ve already seen one.
Rachel: Okay, umm, I’m gonna get my sweater. (Walks away.)
Ross: Okay. (Sits down next to Phoebe.) You uh, you wanna hear something weird?
Phoebe: Always.
Ross: I didn’t get the annulment.
Phoebe: What?!
Ross: We’re still married! Don’t tell Rachel. See you later. (He gets up leaving Phoebe in shock.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: The hallway, Joey is coming up the stairs and sees Chandler trying to open the lock.]
Joey: What are you doing?
Chandler: The key’s stuck in the lock.
Joey: I can fix it. Hold on. (He goes and gets a screwdriver from his apartment) Look out. Look out. (Pries at the door a little bit.)
Chandler: (trying the handle) It still doesn’t work.
Joey: I’m not finished.
Chandler: Oh.
(Joey goes back into the apartment, runs back into the hallway, throws his shoulder against the door, and knocks it down off it’s hinges.)
Chandler: Nice job Joe! You’re quite the craftsmen.
(Joey pats him on the stomach and heads to bed.)
End
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602 The One Where Ross Hugs Rachel
[Scene: Central Perk, it’s the same scene from the end of last week’s show. Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hey, so did everything go okay with the annulment?
Ross: Oh, yeah, no problems. It’s all taken care of.
Rachel: Ross, thank you. Hey, do you guys wanna go see a movie?
Ross: Oh yeah, why not?
Rachel: Okay, umm, I’m gonna get my sweater. (Walks away.)
Ross: Okay. (Sits down next to Phoebe.) You uh, you wanna hear something weird?
Phoebe: Always.
Ross: I didn’t get the annulment.
Phoebe: What?!
Ross: We’re still married! Don’t tell Rachel. See you later. (He gets up leaving Phoebe in shock.)
[Cut to outside Central Perk.]
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey, do you have any gum?
Rachel: Oh? Yeah! Sure!
Phoebe: (running out) Wait! Wait! Hi! Listen, Ross can I just talk to you for just a second?
Rachel: Oh but Phoebe, we’re gonna be late for the movie.
(A cab pulls up.)
Phoebe: Oh, there’s a cab! Taxi!! (The cab stops and she opens the door.) Good timing, my God, huh? Here you go. (Pushes Rachel in and closes the door.)
Rachel: Yeah, we’re, we’re actually just gonna walk ‘cause it’s right up there at the Angelica.
Phoebe: Oh, the Angelica!! Go! Go! (She bangs on the cab’s roof and it pulls away.) (To Ross) You didn’t get the annulment?!!
Ross: I know.
Phoebe: Ross?!
Ross: Well, I tried! But when I got to my lawyer’s office all I could hear was, "Three divorces. Three divorces!" Look, I just don’t want my tombstone to read, Ross Gellar, Three Divorces.
Phoebe: Don’t be worried about that! Your tombstone can say whatever you want it to say! It could say, Ross Geller, Good at Marriage! Y’know? Mine’s gonna say Phoebe Buffay, Buried Alive.
Ross: Look, all I know is I-I can’t have another failed marriage!
Phoebe: So okay what? You’re gonna be married to a girl who doesn’t even know about it?!—Op, woman! Sorry.
Ross: Well, okay so, I don’t have it all worked out quite yet. Just don’t say anything to Rachel, please?
Phoebe: Rachel is one of my closest friends. (Pause) Although, being the only one who knows anything about this does makes me feel special. Okay!
(Rachel’s cab backs up.)
Rachel: (to the driver) Okay, stop-stop! Phoebe?!
Phoebe: Hey Rach!
Rachel: What was that?!
Phoebe: Sorry, mix up. Hey, how was the movie?
Rachel: I haven’t seen it yet!
Phoebe: Well then you’d better hurry! The Angelica! Go! Go! (Bangs on the roof again and off they go.)
Rachel: Noooooooo!!
Opening Credits
{Transciber’s note: In case you’re wondering, and I know you are. Their names are all back to normal. Just in a slightly smaller font than usual to allow Courteney Cox Arquette to fit on one line and not be smaller than the rest of their names. Now, on with the show…}
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are cuddling on the couch.]
Chandler: Y’know when we move in together, can I get a gumball machine?
Monica: Of course! Joey wouldn’t let you have one?
Chandler: No. When it comes to sweets, he’s surprisingly strict.
Monica: Hey, have you figured out a way to tell him you’re moving out?
Chandler: No, no, I keep trying, y’know? I can get out, "Joey, I have too…" but then I lose my nerve and I always finish with, "…go to the bathroom." He may think I’m sick.
Monica: Y’know, I really have to tell Rachel, but I… We just have to get it over with! Y’know, the next time we see them we’re just gonna tell them. Okay? That’s it.
Chandler: Oh, so that’s this is gonna work now? You’re just gonna order me around all the time?
Monica: Pretty much.
Chandler: All right.
Joey: (entering) Hey Monica!
Monica: Hi!
Joey: (To Chandler) Hey man, you feeling any better? (Chandler answers him with some guttural sounds that only he can make and that no human can transcribe.)
Monica: Joey, we have something to tell you.
Joey: Oh my God! You’re pregnant!
Chandler: No-o-o! (To Monica) No? (She nods no.) No-o-o! Look Joey, here’s the thing, Monica and I have decided to live together, here. So, I’m gonna be moving out man.
Joey: Wow! (Tearing up) Well, uh… Hey! I’m really happy for you guys! Congratulations! (Kisses Monica on the cheek) See you later. (Starts for the door on the verge of tears as Monica stops him.)
Monica: Wait! Joey! Joey! Are you okay?!
Joey: Yeah, I gotta go! I got an acting job. (Turns towards the door, pauses, and turns back.) Like you’d believe that. This sucks!
Chandler: Look, I-I’m just gonna be right across the hall and I promise you, the minute Monica and I break up I’m moving right back in with you!
Joey: (To Monica) Okay! Look-look-look, uh, if you’re gonna be moving in with him I feel it’s my responsibility to tell you the truth about him! Okay? He’s a terrible roommate! Terrible! He uh, forgets to umm… Oh-oh he always, he always umm—Oh, who am I kidding! He’s the best roommate ever! (Hugs Chandler.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch as Monica enters.]
Monica: Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Hey, have you seen Rachel?
Phoebe: No, why?
Monica: I have some pretty exciting news!
Phoebe: (gasps) You’re pregnant!
Monica: No! Chandler and I are moving in together!
Phoebe: Ooh! That’s good! Wow! But now if you were pregnant, what would you name it? Hint{s:1:tongue}hoebe.
(Ross returns from getting some coffee.)
Ross: Hey! Hi!
Monica: Hey!
Ross: What’s up?
Monica: Well umm, Chandler and I are moving in together.
Ross: Oh my God. Ohh, my little sister and my best friend…shaking up. Oh, that’s great. That’s great. (Kisses and hugs her.)
Phoebe: Guys, I’m happy too.
Monica: Okay, come here! (Phoebe joins them in the hug.)
Phoebe: Wow! Big day huh? People moving in, people getting annulled… (Winks at Ross.)
Monica: Okay, I gotta go find Rachel but umm, if you guys see her could you please try to give her some really bad news so that mine doesn’t seem so bad? (Exits.)
Ross: Bye.
Phoebe: Hmm, something bad to tell Rachel… Bad news for Rachel, what could that be?!
Ross: Could ya just, could ya just lay off, please? All right? My life is an embarrassment! I should go live under somebody’s stairs!
Phoebe: Ross, it’s not that big a deal! So you’ll been divorced three times, you’ll still have a life, you’ll go on dates…
Ross: (interrupting) No! No, I won’t! I’ll be at the bottom of the dating barrel now. The only guys below me will be Four Divorce Guy uh, Murderer Guy, and-and, Geologists.
Phoebe: Ross, you’re being ridiculous! Okay? You are cute and smart and sweet and that is much more important than three stupid divorces!
Ross: Oh yeah? Have you ever dated anyone who has been divorced three times?
Phoebe: Y’know that’s really fair. Y’know? Most guys who have been divorced three times are like 60. Ross, nobody cares about this except you! This-this embarrassment thing is all in your head! Here, I’ll show you! Come here.
Ross: What?! Why?
(She grabs his arm and drags him over to a table where three beautiful women are sitting. Now, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that their names are Stephanie, Karin, and Meg. Okay, so I looked at the credits. Of course, only Meg is named later on, so I’ll have to guess who is Stephanie and who is Karin. But, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.)
Phoebe: (to the girls) Hi! Hi! Listen, my friend Ross is about to be divorced for the third time, but wouldn’t you date him?
Ross: And if you wait right here, I’ll go get Ross. (Phoebe grabs his arm and prevents him from escaping.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is pacing anxiously waiting for Rachel.]
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Ugh, I thought you were Rachel!
Chandler: (looking down) What gave me away?
Monica: I just tell her, I have to get it over with. I told Ross and Phoebe and she’s the only one left!
Chandler: Okay, so that’s it, everybody knows! It’s official, we’re moving in together. No turning back. Are ya scared? Are ya?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Wow that was my scariest voice! You’re very brave.
(They hug as Rachel enters.)
Rachel: Hey!
Chandler: Hey.
Rachel: Ugh, the worse day! Y’know, you think you’re making progress at work and then your boss calls you Raquel.
Chandler: Hey listen, for the first four years of my work everybody called me Sha-la-lap. (Awkward silence ensues.) Seriously.
Rachel: I believe you. So, it was right in the middle of a staff meeting so of course no one else wants to correct her so everyone else is calling me Raquel! By the end of the day, the mailroom guys were calling me Rocky!
Chandler: Well, I-I still think you’re very-very nice and very pretty…
Rachel: What?
Chandler: (To Monica) All yours babe. (Walks away.)
Monica: Have a seat. (They sit at the table.) Okay, listen umm, Chandler and I are going to live together, here.
Rachel: Oh my God! That’s so great! I’m so happy for you guys!
Monica: Really?!
Rachel: And that was so sweet of you to ask! Oh my God, the three of us are gonna have such a good time living together!
Monica: Yes, we are. (Chandler is frantically trying to get Monica to correct her.)
Rachel: And Chandler, you’re gonna have to watch those long showers you take in the morning because you know Raquel can’t be late.
Chandler: Rach…
Monica: Yeah, he’s gonna work on that.
Rachel: Ohh! This is so exciting! Oh God… (Gasps and starts to sing) Come and knock on my door…
Monica: (singing) We’ll be waiting for you…
{Transciber’s note: I’ll finish that one for those of you who don’t know what they’re talking about. Where the towels are Hers and Hers and His, Three’s Company too! Yeah, that’s the theme song for Three’s Company.}
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is hosting an impromptu roundtable discussion with Stephanie, Karin, and Meg about Ross’s three divorces.]
Ross: …once you know the stories, it’s not that bad. First marriage, wife’s hidden sexuality, not my fault. Second marriage, said the wrong name at the altar, a little my fault. Third marriage, well they really shouldn’t allow you to get married when you’re that drunk and have writing all over your face, Nevada’s fault.
Phoebe: Okay, so what do you think ladies? Who wouldn’t be interested? Who wouldn’t want to date him?
Stephanie: Well the divorces don’t bother me, I’d date him. But, not while he’s still married.
Phoebe: Okay, what about you? (Points to Karin) Wouldn’t you want a date?
Karin: Actually, I’m dating at all anymore. See, I figured out that I was only dating guys that were like y’know bad for me, so until I work that out…
Phoebe: (interrupting) Whatever! What about you Meg?
Meg: Well, I don’t care about the divorces either, but I wouldn’t date him. It’s just that he’s obviously still in love with this Rachel girl.
Ross: What?!
Phoebe: (leaning to him) She said, "He’s obviously still in love with this Rachel girl." (He glares at her.)
Ross: This is crazy! I mean, yes-yes Rachel is my good friend and I-I have loved her in the past, but now, she is just my wife! Phoebe, will you-will you help me out here?
Phoebe: Well, I thought you loved her when you-when you married her.
Ross: We were drunk! I would’ve married uh, Joey with that amount of alcohol!
Phoebe: Hey! You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribbiani!!
Ross: (to the panel) Look, I’m sorry, but you guys are wrong. I just don’t want to be divorced three times.
Phoebe: Yes, and now he’s using this three divorces reason because he wants to stay married to her because he loves her. I must say, "Well done!" Bravo Meg.
Ross: (getting up) Okay! Fine! Fine! If-if this is what you think, forget about the whole three divorce thing! Okay, I-I’ll go to my lawyer’s office right now and get this marriage annulled! Okay?! Because she means nothing to me! Noth—(leans down to Meg’s ear)—Nothing!!
Meg: Okay now I wouldn’t date you because you seem a little creepy.
Karin: I am so attracted to him right now.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are still debating about how to tell Rachel that Chandler’s moving in and she’s moving out.]
Chandler: Okay, when are we gonna tell Rachel what is actually gonna happen?
Monica: Soon! I-I just couldn’t before. You saw how upset Joey got! I couldn’t do that to her, she’s my best friend!
Chandler: Well, Joey’s my best friend.
Monica: I’m not your best friend?
Chandler: You just said… Of course you’re my best friend. Would you please tell Rachel though?
Monica: All right, all right, at least I’m prepared.
Chandler: Okay. (She grabs a tin of freshly baked cookies) Oh yes. (He reaches for one.)
Monica: (slapping his hand) Hey!
Chandler: Hey-hey!
Monica: These aren’t for you! Are you upset?
Chandler: I am now!
Rachel: (entering) Hey roomie!
Chandler: Okay, bye! (Exits.)
Monica: Rach, there’s something uh, important I have to tell you.
Rachel: (gasps) Are you pregnant?!
Monica: No! But, I’m throwing this shirt away! I think there was a little misunderstanding before.
Rachel: Um-hmm.
Monica: Umm, when I said that uh, that Chandler and I wanted to umm, live together we meant alone together.
Rachel: (laughs) Oh my God! Oh, that’s funny, I can’t believe I did that.
Monica: Oh no sweetie, no! This is my fault, I wasn’t clear! I’m really sorry. And listen, you take as much time as you need to move out okay? There’s absolutely no rush.
Rachel: Okay. (Sits back and resumes her reading.)
Monica: Okay. Don’t you want a cookie?
Rachel: Sure? (Monica hands her one.) Thanks.
Monica: Maybe, do you need a tissue?
(Rachel mumbles uh-huh and spits the half-eaten cookie out onto the tissue.)
Rachel: Monica, where did you get these?!
Monica: I made them!
Rachel: Ooh, good God, they’re so yummy! (She re-ingests the previously expelled cookie matter from the tissue.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is packing some books and Joey is watching him.]
Joey: God, it’s gonna so weird like when I come home and you’re not here. Y’know? No more Joey and Chan’s. No more J and C’s. "You wanna go over to Joey and Chandler’s?" "Can’t, its not there."
Chandler: Look, I’m just gonna be across the hall, we can still do all the same stuff.
Joey: Yeah but we won’t be able to like get up in the middle of the night and have those long talks about our feelings and the future.
Chandler: Not once did we do that.
Monica: (entering) Hi.
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Hi.
Monica: So I, I told Rachel it was just gonna be the two of us.
Chandler: Oh yeah? Well, how’d she take it?
Monica: Really well. Yeah. Surprisingly well. Yeah, she didn’t cry. She wasn’t angry or sad. (Sits down, slightly disgusted.)
Chandler: And you’re upset because you didn’t make your best friend cry?
Monica: I mean, all I’m asking for is just a little emotion! Is that too much to ask after six years?! I mean what? Are-are-are Rachel and I not as close as you guys?! I mean do we not have as much fun?! Don’t I deserve a few tears?!! I mean we-we told Joey, he cried his eyes out!
Joey: Hey! I did not cry my eyes out!! Come on! It’s like the end of an era! No more J-man and Channie’s!!
Chandler: Okay, I gotta ask, who calls us that?!
[Scene: Ross’s lawyer’s office, his name is Russell and has just been told by Ross about his current situation.]
Russell: You got married again.
Ross: Yes.
Russell: So that’s your second marriage in two years.
Ross: Yes, second in two years. Third overall.
Russell: Ross, I have been a divorce attorney for 23 years and never had I so much business from one client. Why don’t you tell me what happened.
Ross: Basically, Rachel and I were in Vegas and we got drunk…
Russell: (interrupting) I’m sorry, is this the same Rachel who’s name you said at the altar in the second marriage?
Ross: Yes-yes-yes! But, I-I do not love her.
Russell: Oh, that’s better then.
Ross: This was just a drunken mistake and I need to get it annulled.
Russell: I see. Have you considered therapy?
Ross: I think just the annulment for today.
Russell: There are a couple of forms to fill out.
Ross: Easy.
Russell: And we’ll need to have witnesses who can testify that you were not of uh, sound mind.
Ross: No problem.
Russell: And we’ll need you and Rachel to testify before a judge.
Ross: Ooh! There’s no way to do this without her? ‘Cause I kinda all ready told her uh, it was, it was already taken care of.
Russell: Of course you did. Look Ross, you can’t get an annulment unless you and Rachel are both there.
Ross: Uh-ha, what about someone who looks like Rachel? (Russell glares at him.) I will think about the therapy.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is painting her toe nails as Monica enters.]
Rachel: Hey!
Monica: Hey. So um, I was thinking that maybe we should start dividing up our stuff.
Rachel: Okay!
Monica: Y’know, no point in dragging it out. Dragging out the long process of you moving out and us not living together anymore.
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: Hey Rach, what about this? (She holds up a chrome 5-point star.) Huh? Who-who gets this? See, I don’t know if I want it because it might be y’know, too many memories!
Rachel: (grabbing the star) What the hell is that?
Monica: I don’t know. (Picks up a big plate from the coffee table.) Hey, Rachel, you want the big plate? I want you to have the big plate.
Rachel: Wow! Mon, thanks! I love this plate!
Monica: Something to remember me by!
Rachel: Mon, honey you’re not dying. I’m just moving out. Y’know, I mean we’re gonna see each other all the time.
Monica: But still, it’s a big change. The end of an era, you might say!
Rachel: Are you okay? You’re not blinking.
Monica: I’m fine! I just, I’m thinking how much it’s an end of era.
Rachel: Oh, all right. But y’know I gotta say, I don’t, I don’t think six years counts as an era.
Monica: An era is defined as a significant period of time. Now, it was significant to me, maybe it wasn’t significant to you!
Rachel: What is the matter with you?!
Monica: What is the matter with you?!! Why aren’t you more upset?! Aren’t you gonna be sad that we’re not gonna be living together anymore?! I mean aren’t you gonna miss me at all?!
Rachel: All right, fine, but don’t get mad at me. It’s-it’s just a little hard to believe.
Monica: What’s hard to believe?
Rachel: Well y’know, it’s you guys. You-you do this kind of stuff! Y’know? I mean, you-you were gonna get married in Vegas and then you backed out! I guess I’m not upset because I don’t see you guys going through with it. I’m sorry.
Monica: Rachel, it’s going to happen. Chandler is gonna move in here.
Rachel: But I…
Monica: No-no, wait! Just let me finish, okay? This isn’t something that we just, we just impulsively decided in-in Vegas, this is something we both really want. And it is going to happen.
Rachel: It is? Really?
Monica: Yeah, sweetie.
Rachel: (starting to lose her composure) I mean we’re not, we’re not gonna live together anymore?
Monica: No.
Rachel: What? Oh my God! I’m gonna miss you so much! (Starts to cry.)
Monica: I’m gonna miss you! (They hug.)
Rachel: I mean it’s the end of an era!
Monica: I know!
[Scene: The hallway, Ross is coming up the stairs as Phoebe leaves Joey and Chandler’s.]
Phoebe: (to Joey and Chandler) Okay, bye!
Ross: Oh no.
Phoebe: So? Did you get the annulment?
Ross: I couldn’t.
Phoebe: I knew it! Because you love Rachel.
Ross: It’s not that. Okay? Annulments are more complicated than I…
Phoebe: Yeah, complicated ‘cause of the love.
Ross: I… I do, I do not love Rachel. I’m gonna tell her right now about the whole thing so we can get this marriage annulled as fast as possible. Okay? Would I do that if I loved her?
Phoebe: I’ve never been more convinced of your love for her.
Ross: I do not have feelings for Rachel! Okay?! (He goes into her apartment.)
[Cut to Monica and Rachel’s as Ross walks through the door. Rachel is holding the chrome star and crying.]
Ross: Ohh, what’s wrong?!
Rachel: Monica and Chandler are really moving in here and I have to move out and everything is changing.
Ross: Oh my—Come here! Come here! (He hugs her.) It’s okay. Everything’s gonna be okay.
Rachel: Thank you.
Ross: Of course.
(Ross suddenly realizes something.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are talking.]
Joey: So, Ross and Rachel got married, Monica and Chandler almost got married, do you think you and I should hook up?
Phoebe: Oh we do, but not just yet.
Joey: Really?! Well, when?
Phoebe: Okay umm, well, first Chandler and Monica will get married and be filthy rich by the way. Yeah. But it won’t work out.
Joey: Wow.
Phoebe: I know. Then, I’m gonna marry Chandler for the money and you’ll marry Rachel and have the beautiful kids.
Joey: Great!
Phoebe: But then we ditch those two and that’s when we get married. We’ll have Chandler’s money and Rachel’s kids and getting custody will be easy because of Rachel’s drinking problem.
Joey: Oh-oh, what about Ross?
Phoebe: I don’t want to go into the whole thing, but umm, we have words and I kill him.
End
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603 The One With Ross’s Denial
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Monica, and Phoebe are there as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Hey! Check it out! This is unbelievable! Joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes!
(We see Joey who has puffed up his cheeks and Chandler nonchalantly reaches down and pinches Joey’s nose shut. In a few seconds, Joey has to move because he’s now forced to actually hold his breath.)
Joey: (To Chandler) Dude! What are yo—you trying to kill me?!
Rachel: (entering from her room) Pheebs, I wanna ask you something.
Phoebe: Uh-huh, what?
Rachel: Well since I’m movin’ out and-and you’re so beautiful…
Phoebe: Oh!
Rachel: …how about I move in with you?
Phoebe: Well, that would be great but then what do we do about Denise?
Monica: Who’s Denise?
Phoebe: My roommate.
Rachel: You have a roommate?!
Phoebe: Yes, Denise. Denise!
Joey: Hey, what is with the secrecy Phoebe? Huh? And what about this Denise, is she cute?
Chandler: Pheebs, I don’t understand. How can you have a roommate that none of us know anything about?
Phoebe: Maybe because you never listen to anything that I say. I talk about her all the time! DENISE!!!!!
Joey: Hey Rach, listen I was thinkin’ uh, I’m gonna have an extra room over at my place…
Rachel: Oh, that’s true.
Joey: Yeah, why don’t you move in with me? It’ll be great! We could stay up late, watch movies, and you know about Naked Thursday’s right?
Rachel: Yeah, yeah I think I’m gonna find my own place.
Chandler: Hey-hey! I thought Naked Thursday’s was just our thing man!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is reading a magazine, eating a cookie, and drinking some coffee as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey.
Ross: Hey!
Phoebe: So, what did Rachel say when you told her you were still married to her?
Ross: Oh, that. Umm, she took it really well.
Phoebe: You didn’t tell her did you?
Ross: No.
Phoebe: Of course not, because you’re in love with her.
Ross: I am not in love with her. She was very upset about having to move out so I eh, didn’t tell her we were still married because she would only get more upset. I-I just comforted her, as a friend.
Phoebe: What do you mean, comforted her?
Ross: It’s nothing, I just gave her a hug.
Phoebe: Ah-ha! A classic sign of love, the hug!
Ross: It’s also a sign of friendship.
Phoebe: Yeah, not in your case Lovey Loverson. (Tries to take a bite out of Ross’s cookie.)
Ross: (grabs back his cookie) It was a hug!
Phoebe: Okay, just tell me this, did you or did you not smell her hair?
Ross: S-s-smell her hair? What if I did?
Phoebe: Ninety percent of a women’s pheromones come out the top of her head! That’s why, that’s why women are shorter. So that men will fall in love when they hug them! (Ross is staring at her dumbfounded.) Oh come on Ross, you’re a scientist.
Ross: I was hugging her as a friend. It’s not my fault her-her hair got in my face, she’s got a lot of it and it smells all-all uh…coconutty. (Phoebe raises her eyebrows.) What?! Oh, that doesn’t mean I have feelings for Rachel! Maybe it means I have feelings for coconuts!
Phoebe: (taking his coffee) Okay, whatever you say. But just be careful, all right? Rachel’s not in the same place you are.
Ross: (grabbing back his coffee) If the place you are referring too is being in love, then she is in the same place as me because I am not in that place!
Phoebe: Okay, I didn’t understand that, but y’know, maybe that’s ‘cause you were speaking the secret language of love!
(She goes for his magazine and he grabs it away before she reaches it. But she was only using the magazine as a decoy because she grabs his cookie and coffee, takes a bite out of the cookie and drinks some of the coffee.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are there as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey! (To Chandler) Dude, some guy just called for you.
Chandler: Who was it?
Joey: I don’t know! How about, "Thanks for taking the message." Jeez! (Exits.)
Monica: Okay listen, y’know when you move in Rachel’s room is gonna be empty, you wanna talk about what we want to do with it?
Chandler: Sure!
Monica: Okay, I was thinking we should have a beautiful guest room, right? With a mahogany sleigh bed and bedside tables with flowers on them all the time! And we could have a roll top desk with comment cards on them so people could say how much they loved staying here!! Okay, whatever, I really haven’t thought about it that much.
Chandler: Well, I like that idea. Obviously! I was thinking maybe-maybe-maybe it could be a game room, y’know? I mean you can buy old arcade games like uh, like Space Invaders and Asteroids for $200, the real ones! The big-big ones!
Monica: No.
Chandler: Okay so you mean no as in, "Gee Chandler, what an interesting idea. Let’s discuss it before we reject it completely."
Monica: Oh, I’m sorry. Of course I mean that. Interesting idea, umm, talk about it, but no.
Chandler: So, that’s it?
Monica: I just don’t think arcade games go in the beautiful guest room. The beautiful guest room is gonna be filled with antiques.
Chandler: Which is why Asteroids is perfect! It’s the oldest game!
Monica: What do you have against the beautiful guest room?
Chandler: I don’t have anything against the beautiful guest room, especially since everybody we know lives about 30 seconds away!
Monica: Are you mocking me?
Chandler: No, I’m not mocking you, (in a mocking voice) or you beautiful guest room. (Exits.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is coming from across the hall.]
Joey: Hey, what’s up?
Chandler: Nothing, Monica and I had a stupid fight.
Joey: But you’re still moving in together, right? Because my ad came out today. (Shows him the paper.)
Chandler: (reading the ad) "Wanted. Female roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly." Nice!
Joey: Yeah? I just figured y’know, after living with you it’d be an interesting change of pace to have a female roommate, y’know? Someone I can learn from, someone-someone who’s different than me. And what’s more different than me; a guy who’s not 19 than say a girl who is 19? Enh? (Points to his head.) Not just a hat rack my friend!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch staring off into space as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Pheebs, I have to ask you…
Phoebe: Shhhhhh! I’m swamped right now.
Rachel: You’re just staring into space.
Phoebe: Umm, I’m trying to move that pencil. (There’s a pencil lying on the table.)
Rachel: This one? (Picks it up.)
Phoebe: It worked!
Rachel: Pheebs, this whole apartment thing is just a nightmare! Every place I can afford comes with a roommate who is a freak. I mean, look at this; (Points to one and starts to read it.) "Wanted. Female roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly." It’s just, there is nothing! The city’s full!
Phoebe: Wait, no, look at this! (Points to one.) (Reading) "Two bedroom, two bath, must be non-smoker, Satan worshipers okay…" Oh, yeah, but it’s on the ground floor.
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey.
Ross: Rach, uh, you still looking for a place?
Rachel: Yeah! Why?
Ross: Okay, there’s this guy, Warren, from the museum and he’s going on a dig for like two years and he’s got this great place he needs to sublet. So uh, you interested?
Rachel: That sounds great! I’d love to live at Warren’s!! I love Warren! Thank you!
Ross: Don’t thank me! If you wanna thank something, thank the volcano that erupted thousands of years ago, killing but perfectly preserving an entire civilization. (Rachel just looks at him.) Here’s Warren’s number.
Rachel: Oh, this is great! I am gonna call him right now! (Jumps up.) Oh, thank you!
(She hugs him and he starts to hug her back but notices the look Phoebe is giving him and pushes her away.)
Ross: Okay, you go grab it!
Phoebe: I saw it.
Ross: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Phoebe: Umm, I’m talking about that which you already know but won’t admit. You love her again; you re-love her!
Ross: Look, I do not re-love her.
Phoebe: I can’t believe you won’t just admit it! (Pause) Okay, just promise me that you won’t do anything stupid.
Ross: Look, we’re just friends now! Okay? Why would I do anything stupid?
Rachel: (returning from calling Warren) Ugh!!! Well, the apartment is already subletted! I mean, this is just hopeless. I’m never gonna find anything.
Ross: You can live with me.
Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: What?!
Ross: What?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
Rachel: Oh my God! Are you serious?!
Ross: Uh-huh. (Phoebe grunts.)
Rachel: I would love to live with you Ross; that’s-that’s great! Thank you!
Ross: Well, I’m-I’m just glad I could, y’know, help you out.
Phoebe: Wow! I’m-I’m so happy for you guys. (To Ross) This is so-so, not stupid.
Rachel: Ross-Ross, you have no idea what this means to me! I mean, I mean I was gonna be homeless. You just saved me! You’re my hero!
Ross: Hero, I uh, I don’t know—well, all right.
Rachel: Oh, I have to go tell Monica what a wonderful brother she has! (Kisses him on the cheek and exits.)
Ross: Oh please! (He sits down.) (To Phoebe) You’re gonna say things now, aren’t ya?
Phoebe: No. No, I won’t. But I should tell you this, this exact same thing happened to my roommate Denise. She moved in with a guy who was secretly married to her and he said he didn’t love her, but he really did, and it just blew up! And that’s how she ended up living with me! (Ross looks at her.) (Pause) Okay, that’s a lie.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is in the kitchen as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hi.
Monica: Hi.
Chandler: Hi, listen, I’m sorry about before. I don’t need to have a game room. I mean when I was a kid I only played those games because I couldn’t get girls, and now I can ‘em—Now, I have you. (Monica glares at him.) Not-not that I think that I have you or think of you as property in any sort of way, I see women…
Monica: Stop it Chandler. (Chandler is relieved) I’m sorry too.
Chandler: Really?
Monica: Yeah! Oh yes!
Chandler: Ohh.
Monica: Listen, we don’t have to make that a guest room, we can think of something to do with the room together.
Chandler: That’s a great idea! We can easily think of a way for us both to enjoy the room.
Monica: Totally!
(They start thinking.)
Chandler: We don’t have to come up with this now.
Monica: Oh good.
Chandler: Hey, y’know what? Why don’t we think about changes we can make in the living room?
Monica: Changes?
Chandler: Yeah, I mean we’re gonna have to move around some furniture to make room for my chair. (Kisses her and heads into the living room.)
Monica: You’re-you’re-you’re gonna bring the Barca Lounger over here?
Chandler: Is that a problem?
Monica: Well, it’s a set and they should probably stay together.
Chandler: Oh, that’s cool. Then I’ll just bring them both over.
Monica: See now-now you’re taking them away from their home.
Chandler: Okay, I get it. So, I get nothing! Nothing here is mine! Everything here is yours! I’ll get up in the morning put on your clothes, and head off to work!
Monica: Yeah-yeah, y’know what? Yeah, that’s it-that’s it, everything will be mine! Nothing will be yours! That’s-that’s what I said! Oh come on, Chandler! I’m talking about the barca lounger! It just, it doesn’t match! Where is it gonna go?!
Chandler: In the game room!
Monica: Look it is not my fault that your chairs are incredibly ugly!
Chandler: All right! That’s fine! That’s fine! I won’t bring over the chairs! I won’t bring anything over! I wouldn’t want to ruin the ambiance over here at Grandma’s place!! (Storms out.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is interviewing a potential roommate. And yes, she’s a female, non-smoker and very non-ugly.]
Joey: (exiting from Chandler’s room with the new roommate) Everything on your application looks really good—Ohh! Just one last question umm, are you and your friends gonna be over here all the time like partying and hanging out?
The Potential Roommate: Oh don’t worry, I’m not really a party girl.
Joey: Whoa!! Now look, don’t be just blurtin’ stuff out. I want you to really think about your answers. Okay?
Chandler: (entering) You can call off the roommate search! (To the potential roommate) Hi! I’ll be living here. (Heads for the bathroom.)
Joey: Oh don’t listen to him, he’s just some guy who really wants the apartment, but I don’t think he’s gonna get it.
Chandler: Why did you take the shower curtain down?
Joey: That thing was a hazard! (To the potential roommate) I’m very safety conscious.
[Scene: Ross’s Apartment, Rachel is entering and Ross is making some room on the shelves for his stuff.]
Rachel: Hey!
Ross: Hey! Oh listen, I was just clearing some space for your stuff.
Rachel: Oh thanks, but listen, I was just at Monica’s and she and Chandler had a big fight and they’re not moving in.
Ross: What do you mean, they’re not moving in? They-they’re still moving in right?
Rachel: No-no, they just had a big blowout over what to do with my room.
Ross: What?! Over a stupid room!
Rachel: Yeah, I feel kinda bad for them, but I’m also really psyched ‘cause I don’t have to move in here!
Ross: Oh no, yeah no, that part’s great!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering, dragging Chandler, to mediate the argument between Chandler and Monica.]
Ross: What’s all this about you guys fighting?! Is this really over a room?! I mean, that is so silly!
Monica: Ross, we can handle this.
Ross: Well, apparently not, and I can’t just stand by and watch two people I care about very much be hurt over something that is so silly. I mean, enough of the silliness!
Chandler: Well, why don’t you tell her to stop being silly! (Monica mocks him and he joins in.)
Ross: (stopping them) Okay-okay! Two very good points, look I’ve known you both a long time, and I’ve never seen either of you one/millionth as happy as you’ve been since you’ve got together. Do you really want to throw that all away over a room? That is so silly. Now wh-what is more important, love or silliness?
Chandler: Well, we are fond of the silliness, but we also have a soft spot for the love.
Monica: Love is the best medicine.
Chandler: That’s laughter.
Monica: Why do you do it?
Chandler: I don’t know.
Ross: Okay! All right! Now, Chandler you-you wanna live with Monica, right?
Chandler: Yeah, I do.
Ross: And Mon, you wanna live with Chandler, don’t ya?
Monica: Yes.
Ross: (jumping up) Good! A verbal contract is binding in the state of New York! (Storms out.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting at the counter waiting for Gunther, yep Gunther’s back, to refill her coffee.]
Gunther: So I understand you’re looking for a place.
Rachel: No-no, I’m staying put.
Gunther: Oh, I was going to offer you my apartment.
Rachel: Why, where are you going?
Gunther: I don’t know.
Ross: (entering) Hey Rach!
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: You’re never gonna believe it uh, Monica and Chandler are moving in again. That’s great news right—I mean for them. Right?
Rachel: Oh wow.
Ross: Yeah but, on the bright side, we get to be roommates again.
Rachel: Yeah. Y’know umm, uh, umm, about that, umm, Ross I really appreciate your offer to let me move in and everything, but don’t you think it’s gonna be weird?
Ross: Wh-why?! Why-why-why would it, why would it be weird?
Rachel: Well, because of us! Because of our history.
Ross: No!
Rachel: No?
Ross: No! No! It would be weird if we were still in that place, I mean are you still in that place?
Rachel: No! Not at all!
Ross: Good! Me neither! So it’s not a problem. We’re just two friends who happen to be roommates.
Rachel: Okay, but Ross, eventually you and I are gonna be dating.
Ross: Really?! We are?
Rachel: Yeah! I’m gonna have a boyfriend, you’re gonna have a girlfriend…
Ross: Ohh! That would be great.
Rachel: But y’know what, if you think it’s gonna be okay we’ll just work out a system. Y’know, it’ll be like college, I’ll hang a hanger on the door and put a sign, "Come back later, I’m gettin’ lucky." (Laughs.)
Ross: (laughs as well, but for a different reason) Yeah, I didn’t think of that.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is once again being dragged in by Ross so he that he can try to manipulate the situation so that it’s best for Ross, not necessarily what’s best for Monica and Chandler.]
Ross: So are you sure about this whole moving in thing?! I mean it’s a really big step! And-and what’s the rush?!
(They both start laughing at him.)
Monica: That’s very funny!
Chandler: He’s being silly, because he knows that we enjoy the silliness!
Ross: No, I-I-I’m serious, okay? I mean, think about it. You move in, you start fighting over stupid game rooms, next thing y’know you break up!
Monica: Ross, you were right before, it was just a stupid fight about a room.
Ross: Okay, there are no stupid fights!! This isn’t about the room, this is about what the room…represents! And unfortunately, this room (Points to Rachel’s room) could destroy you!!
Chandler: Yeah, I'm not so worried.
Monica: Yeah, no, me neither.
Ross: Fine! It’s your life! (Starts to storm out mad about his failed attempt at the manipulation of his best friend and sister, but stops and tries one last time.) I just don’t want to see you guys break up! Which you will do if you move in together, (Monica and Chandler just stare at him.) but that’s what you want, there’s nothing I can do. (Opens the door and tries one more time.) DON’T DO IT!!!!! (Finally leaves.)
Monica: You still want to move in together right?
Chandler: Of course!
Monica: Ross didn’t scare you?
Chandler: Scared me out of ever wanting to live with him.
Monica: Come here, I want to show you something!
Chandler: Okay!
(They run to the living room where Monica has moved the chair back (Towards the step), the coffee table forward (Towards the TV), and taped a square outline on the floor.)
Chandler: Oh my God! Someone’s killed Square Man!
Monica: This is where I thought the barca lounger could go! You see you could see the TV and it’s still walking distance to the kitchen.
Chandler: Oh that’s so sweet! I want to show you something too!
Monica: Okay!
Chandler: Y’know those big-big uh, road signs that say "Merge?"
Monica: Uh-hmm.
Chandler: Y’know? So I was thinking that we could get one of those signs and hang it over our bed. Because, that’s you and I together! Merge!
Monica: Oh my God! I love that!
Chandler: Really?!
Monica: Uh, no!!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing a new song. Yep, the first new Phoebe song of season six, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are also there.]
Phoebe: (singing) I found you in my bed!
How’d you whined up there?
You are a mystery!
Little black curly hair!
Little black curly hair!
Little black, little black, little black, little black, little black curly hair…………
(Applause.)
Phoebe: Now if you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer.
Ross: (To Rachel) So umm, where are the other guys?
Rachel: Umm, well let’s see Monica and Chandler are occupied.
Ross: Fighting?!
Rachel: No, the other thing. I really think it’s great they work things out.
Ross: Yeah. There’s no breaking them up, is there?
Rachel: Hey, can I borrow the key to your house so I can run across the street and make a copy?
Ross: Sure! Here. (Hands her his keys.)
Rachel: Thank you. (Gets up) Now are you sure? Because once I make a copy, there’s no turning back.
Ross: Yeah, I’m-I’m sure. (Deadpan) Yeah, get out of here before I change my mind. (She exits)
Joey: Umm, listen, Ross do you really think this moving in with Rachel is a good idea?
Ross: I’ve been back and forth.
Joey: Yeah well, maybe you should go back! Okay? Rachel moves in, and before you know it you’re right where you don’t want to be! Back together!
Ross: Ehh, I don’t, I don’t think so. She’s already talked about y’know, dating other guys.
Joey: That’s not gonna work out! Then she’s gonna come home all weepy and you’ll be tellin’ her, "Oh that’s okay. You’ll find someone." And then, bamn! She finds you!
Ross: Yeah, well, m-maybe you’re right.
Joey: I am telling you Ross, she is definitely gonna fall in love with you again! Now, is that what you want?
Ross: Is that what I want?
Phoebe: (on the microphone, accidentally) Yes.
(Rachel enters.)
Joey: Here she comes. Hold on, I’m gonna make your life much easier.
Rachel: All right, well the place was closed. I’ll just copy it later.
Joey: Or not. Uh, Rach, why don’t you just move in with me? (Rachel sighs.)
Ross: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, Joey!
Joey: No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no… It’s okay, I mean I—look Rach, I know I scared you off with that whole Naked Thursday’s thing, but we don’t have to do that!
Rachel: Well, it would be easier to move just right across the hall. Wait a minute, unless you’re thinking about Naked Wednesday’s.
Joey: Thursday’s clearly not good for ya, pick a day!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey has The Potential Roommate back for another interview.]
Joey: (opening the door to The Potential Roommate) Hi!
The Potential Roommate: Hi!
Joey: Come in. Thanks for comin’ back, umm, okay there have been a lot of people interested in the room, but I have narrowed it down and you are one of the finalists!
The Potential Roommate: Great!
Joey: Okay now, before I make my final decision I uh, I just want to make sure our personalities match. Okay, so I made up a little test. Now, I’m gonna say a word and then you say the first thing that comes to mind.
The Potential Roommate: I can do that.
Joey: Okay! Here we go. Pillow.
The Potential Roommate: Fight.
Joey: Very good! Okay. G.
The Potential Roommate: String?
Joey: Excellent! Okay umm, doggy.
The Potential Roommate: Kitten?
Joey: Ooh, sorry! No-no-no, so close though, but—bye-bye! (He ushers her out the door.)
End
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604 The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is packing her belongings to move to Ross’s. She’s standing in the kitchen.]
Rachel: So, which of this kitchen stuff is mine?
Monica: This bottle opener. (She grabs it off of the freezer door.)
Rachel: And?
Monica: And it’s a magnet!
Rachel: Look at that!
Ross: How weird is that? Y’know? You’re moving in with me and have the one thing I don’t have. It’s like uh, in a way you-you complete me (Phoebe glares at him) kitchen.
Rachel: What?!
Ross: (in an Australian accent) You complete me kitchen, matey!
Phoebe: Ross, I know what you’re thinking.
Ross: What?
Phoebe: That she’s gonna move in with you and maybe then she’ll fall in love with you and then when she finds out you’re already married, she’ll just be happy. Y’know? You’re just, you’re very sad.
Ross: Oh…my…God! I-I see what this is! You are in love with Rachel!
Phoebe: What?!!
Ross: Of course! It all adds up! I mean you you’re obsessed with her. It’s always, "Ross, what are you gonna do about Rachel?" "Ross, why-why are you moving in with Rachel?" "When are you gonna confess your secret marriage to Rachel?" You want her!
Phoebe: No! (Ross’s phone rings.)
Ross: (answering it) Uh-oh, saved by the bell. (On phone) Hello?
[Cut to the living room where Monica is helping pack a box.]
Monica: Hey Rach, aren’t these candlesticks (holds up a pair) mine?
Rachel: No-no, I bought those.
Monica: Ohh! Yeah, I forgot.
Rachel: Yeah. (Rachel walks away.)
Monica: (under her breath) That you’re a liar. (Hides the candlesticks in a drawer.)
Ross: (on phone) No-no-no, that’s great! I’ll be there Monday. And thank you again! (Listens) Okay. (Hangs up) (To All) Umm, that was the head of the Paleontology department at N uh, Y, uh U!
Monica: Wow! Uh what, did he uh, say?
Ross: Well remember that paper I had published last year on sediment flow rate, huh? They loved it.
Rachel: Well, who wouldn’t?!
Ross: I know! Anyway, they asked me to be a guest lecturer! I mean it’s temporary, but uh, if they like me it could lead to a full time job. How great would that look great on a mailbox, huh? "Professor Geller."
Phoebe: Yeah, Professor and Mrs.
Rachel: And Mrs.?!
Phoebe: Oh! Yeah, y’know you and Ross are still married.
Rachel: What?!!
Phoebe: Just kidding!
Rachel: Ohh! Oh God! (Laughs her way into the living room.)
Phoebe: (To Ross) Saved your ass.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are all there as Phoebe enters dejectedly.]
Chandler: Hey!
Phoebe: Hi.
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: Oh, what’s the matter?
Phoebe: Well, you know that psychic I see?
Chandler: Yeah?
Phoebe: Well, she told me that I’m gonna die this week, so I’m kinda bummed about that.
Chandler: What?!
Phoebe: Yeah, and I know you guys don’t know a lot about psychic readings, but that one is pretty much the worse one you can get.
Monica: Phoebe that’s crazy!
Joey: I can’t believe she would say that too you.
Rachel: Yeah honey you don’t believe her do you?
Phoebe: I don’t—she said y’know that I’d have triplets! But she also said one of them would be black.
Chandler: Just out of curiosity did she tell you how you’re gonna go?
Phoebe: No, ‘cause she didn’t tell me I was gonna die until the very end of the session, and I was not gonna waste a whole another hour there! I mean I’ve only got a week left, y’know? I’ve really gotta start living now! (So she picks up the latest copy of Car and Driver (a U.S. auto magazine), leans back, and starts reading.)
Ross: (entering) Hey everyone!
Chandler: Oh hi!
Ross: Hey uh, well, today’s my first lecture and I kinda wanted to try it out on you guys, do you, do you mind?
(They pause to think about it.)
All: Oh that’d be great. Sure!
Ross: (he starts reading directly from his cards word for word very quietly) "There are three primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. Each of these theories can be further subcategorized into two distinct…"
Phoebe: Oh, this is it. This what’s gonna kill me.
Ross: (continuing) "…subcategories. The first of these subcategories is…"
Joey: (interrupting him) Uh Ross! Are there uh, are there naked chicks on that piece of paper?
Ross: No! Why?
Joey: Well, I’ve just never seen a guy stare so hard at a piece of paper that didn’t have naked chicks on it.
Ross: Ohh! Okay! Okay. (Resumes reading word for word from the card) "There are three (pauses and looks at Joey) primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. (Pauses and darts his eyes between Chandler and Rachel.) (Rachel starts laughing) Each of these theories (glances at Phoebe) can be further subcategorized (glances at Chandler) into…"
Chandler: Why don’t you open with a joke?
Ross: Open with a joke? It’s a university, not a comedy club!
Chandler: Wait a minute, hold the phone! You’re not talking about Chuckles University?!
Ross: (gets up) Okay!
All: Ohh! We’re kidding! Oh, we’re kidding!
Rachel: Ross, hey you know what might make it less boring?
Ross: Thank you!
Rachel: Some uh, some visual aides.
Joey: Oh-ooh-ooh! Y’know what’s a good visual aide?
Ross: Please don’t say naked chicks.
Joey: Why not?!
Ross: I-I-I don’t even know why I bother to talk to you guys about it. Y’know what? I’m just gonna do it on my own with no naked chicks.
Chandler: That’s the way I did it ‘til I was 19.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is playing that string game with the two hands and the weird crossing patterns as Chandler enters with the mail.]
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Hey! Any good mail?
Chandler: Yes, you got something from the Screen Actor’s Guild.
Joey: Ooh, it’s probably a residual check, hey can you open it for me, I’m kinda….
Chandler: (opens and reads it) "Benefits lapsed."
Joey: Hmm that’s weird. I don’t remember being in a move called benefits lapsed.
Chandler: Okay, it’s not a check. They’re saying your health insurance expired because, you didn’t work enough last year.
Joey: Let me see that!
Chandler: All right.
Joey: (reads it) Oh, I can’t believe this! This sucks! When I had insurance I could get hit by a bus or catch on fire, y’know? And it wouldn’t matter. Now I gotta be careful?!
Chandler: I’m sorry man, there’s never a good time to (pauses) stop catching on fire.
Joey: All right well, I guess I gotta go get a job. I’m gonna go see my agent.
Chandler: Okay, make sure you look both ways before you cross the street.
Joey: (mocks him, in a whiney voice) …look both ways before you cross the street. (Turns and walks headlong into the closed door.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe enters to find Rachel still packing.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hey Pheebs, you’re still alive! How are you doing?
Phoebe: Ugh, it’s so exhausting waiting for death. Ohh, by the way, do you think you could—(Groans, hacks, and then freezes with her eyes open and her tongue hanging out.)
Rachel: Pheebs, what-what are you doing?
Phoebe: I was preparing you for my—didn’t you think I was dead? Did that not come off?
Rachel: Oh yeah, scared the hell out of me. I thought we’d lost you forever. Pheebs, you lie down?
Phoebe: Yeah, thanks. And listen, can you do me a favor? Could you just umm, wake me up in a couple hours, y’know if you can.
(Phoebe goes and lies down as Rachel opens the drawer Monica hid the candlesticks in and as Monica walks out of her room.)
Rachel: Monica!
Monica: Hmm? (Rachel holds up the candlesticks.)
Rachel: Did-did you take these back?
Monica: No-no, I-I just, I liked them so much that I went out and bought some for myself.
Rachel: Oh yeah, they’re really great! Aren’t they?
Monica: I loved them!
Rachel: Yeah. (Monica walks away) Nice try! (Rachel puts them in a box.)
Ross: (entering) Hello!
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Monica: How’d the lecture go?
Ross: It went great! And I didn’t need any jokes or naked chicks either!
Rachel: Wow, that’s great Ross, I’m sorry we weren’t more supportive before.
Ross: I knew all I had to do was let the material speak for itself. Everyone’s all, "Ross you have to be funny and sexy." Well, I proved them wrong! And now, I’m gonna pass the news onto Joey and Chandler.
Monica: That you’re not funny or sexy?
Ross: That’s right!
[Scene: Estelle Leonard Theatrical Agency, Joey is there to see his agent.]
Joey: (entering) Hey Estelle, listen…
Estelle: Well! Well! Well! Joey Tribbiani! So you came back huh? They think they can do better but they all come crawling back to Estelle!
Joey: What are you talkin’ about? I never left you! You’ve always been my agent!
Estelle: Really?!
Joey: Yeah!
Estelle: Oh well, no harm, no foul.
Joey: Estelle, you gotta get me some work. I-I lost my health insurance.
Estelle: All right, first thing we gotta do, damage control.
Joey: Why?
Estelle: Well, I think uhh, someone out there may have been bad mouthing you all over town.
Joey: Bastard!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler enters to find Joey lying in the fetus position on the floor.]
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: (in obvious pain) Hey! So Estelle lined up a bunch of auditions for me tomorrow and I’ll have my health insurance back in no time.
Chandler: That’s great, but shouldn’t you be on the toilet right now?
Joey: What?!
Chandler: What’s wrong with you?
Joey: Nothing! Well, I-I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before, then I uh passed out and uh, haven’t been able to stand up since. But um, I don’t think it’s anything serious.
Chandler: This sounds like a hernia. You have to—you-you go to the doctor!
Joey: No way! ‘Kay look, if I have to go to the doctor for anything it’s gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach! (Rolls over and shows Chandler.)
Chandler: That’s a hernia.
Joey: Why did I have to start working out again? (Looks at the weights he was using.) Damn you 15s!
[Scene: a NYU lecture hall, Rachel and Monica are arriving to talk to Ross after the lecture, but are there early.]
Rachel: Well, we’re a little early, the lecture doesn’t end for 15 minutes.
Monica: Yeah, but y’know we could sneak in and watch.
Rachel: Yeah, we could. Oh hey look! There’s some Kappa Kappa Deltas! I was a Kappa. (to them) Hey sisters! (They ignore her.) (To Monica) Wow, we really are bitches.
(They enter the lecture hall to find Ross speaking in an English accent for some unknown reason.)
Ross: (to the class) Right! So when Rigby got his samples back from the laboratory he made a startling discovery! What he believed to be igneous, was in fact sedimentary. Imagine his consternation when—(sees Monica and Rachel.) Oh bloody hell.
Commercial Break
[Scene: a NYU lecture hall, the scene is continued from earlier, only Ross has dismissed the class and is now talking to Monica and Rachel.]
Monica: What the hell are you doing?!
Ross: Look, I was nervous! You guys had me all worried I was going to be boring! I got up there and they were all like staring at me. I opened my mouth and this British accent just came out.
Rachel: Yeah, and not a very good one.
Ross: Will you-will you please?
(Another professor walks down from the back of the lecture hall.)
The Professor: Dr. Geller, Kurt Rathman, I’m a professor in the paleontology department here.
Ross: Oh.
The Professor: Do you have a moment to talk about your lecture?
Ross: (in his British accent) I’m sorry, I’ve got plans with my sister.
Monica: (in an Irish accent) Monica Gellerrr. (She rolls her ‘R’)
Ross: (in accent) Right, will you excuse us for one moment? (Takes Monica aside.) (In his normal voice.) What are you doing?
Monica: (normal voice) Oh, you can have an accent and I can’t?! (To an exiting student in accent.) Top ‘O the morning to ya laddies!
Ross: Just please stop!
(They turn back to Rachel and Professor Rathman.)
Rachel: (in an Indian accent) Yes, yes, Bombay is bery, bery nice time of year.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is reading on the couch while Joey, still suffering from his hernia, is returning with coffee for them both. After a series of grunts and groans he manages to painfully walk back from the counter, sit down, and slide Chandler his coffee.]
Chandler: Hey, will you grab me a cruller? (Joey starts to groan and get up.) Sit down! Will you go to the hospital?!
Joey: Dude! Hernia operations cost like, a lot probably. Besides it’s getting darker and more painful, that means it’s healing.
Chandler: I will loan you the money. Just go to the hospital and let’s just get that thing…pushed back in.
Joey: Thank you, but it would take me forever to pay you that money back and I don’t want that hanging over my head. Okay? Besides, as soon as my insurance kicks in I can get all the free operations I want! Yeah, I’m thinking I’ll probably start with that laser eye surgery too.
(Phoebe enters.)
Phoebe: Hey!
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: What’s going on?
Chandler: Oh Joey’s got a really bad hernia, but that’s nothing a little laser eye surgery won’t fix!
Joey: Look, I’m telling you if I put my hand on my stomach right here (He puts his hand down his pants, like Al Bundy on Married…With Children always used to do.) it doesn’t hurt that bad.
Phoebe: Hey! Maybe you’ll die!
Joey: Sure, now I’m scared.
Phoebe: No, we can go together! Just don’t wait too long though, okay? ‘Cause I’m outta here sometime before Friday.
Joey: Yeah, but I don’t wanna die!
Phoebe: No-no, it’ll be fun! We can come back and we can haunt these guys!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are having a tug-of-war over the disputed candlesticks.]
Monica: Gimme ‘em!
Rachel: No! They are mine!
Monica: You stole them from me!
Rachel: You stole them from me!!
Monica: Gimme them!
(With one last mighty tug the combatants lose their grip and split, each holding one candlestick.)
Monica: You just wanna each take one?
Rachel: Yeah that seems fair. We never use them.
Ross: (entering) Look, I really need some help, okay? Why? Why did I have to speak in a British accent?! What do I do?
Rachel: Well…
Monica: Why don’t you phase it out? Yeah, fade the accent out and people will think you’re, y’know, that you’re adjusting to life in America.
Rachel: Yeah, I mean, come on Ross, no one will even notice. I mean they’re probably not even listening!
Ross: They’re not listening too me?
Rachel: Of course they’re listening to you! Everybody listens to you.
Ross: Monica you really think I should try this phasing out thing?
Monica: I think you look fine.
[Scene: Casting Director #1’s office, Joey is on his first audition. His partner is an 8-year-old boy.]
Casting Director #1: Whenever you’re ready.
Joey: (in a gravely, painful voice) Okay. "Hey, Timmy, I’ve got a surprise for you."
Casting Director #1: Hold it. I’m sorry, the surprise is a new swing set, if you could play it a little less…intense?
Joey: Oh yeah, sure, no problem, I’ll just—hold on one second. (He turns around and puts his hand in his pants and groans in relief.) (In a relaxed voice.) "Hey Timmy, I’ve got a surprise for you!"
Casting Director #1: Oh my God!!
(Joey pulls his hand out and reverts back to intense pain.)
[Scene: Casting Director #2’s office, Joey is on his second audition. This one is for Purina One Dog Chow, an actual item. Please note the gratuitous product placement.]
Joey: So that’s why I feed my dog Purina One! Pick up a bag today! (He turns, looks at the bag and realizes he won’t be able to pick it up.)
Casting Director #2: That’s where you pick up the bag.
Joey: Exactly.
Casting Director #2: No, the line is pick a bag, so you need to pick up the bag.
Joey: Or, I could just point to it! Huh? Blah, blah, blah, Purina One, point to a bag today. (She just looks at him.) I didn’t get it, did I?
Casting Director #2: No.
Joey: Yeah, okay. (Leaves)
[Scene: Casting Director #3’s office, Joey is entering.]
Joey: Hi. I’m Joey Tribbiani; I’m here to audition for (Groans) man.
Casting Director #3: You mean dying man?
Joey: Yes!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are playing phone pranks on Ross.]
Monica: Okay, come on, do it one more time!
Rachel: Really? Really?!
Monica: Yes!
Rachel: Okay! (Picks up the phone and starts dialing.) (In an Irish accent) "Hello Ross, this is Dr. McNeeley from the Fake Accent University, we’d like you to come on board with us full time! (Hangs up.)
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: Listen to this! My reading was wrong, I’m not going die!
Rachel: Really?! How do you know?
Phoebe: Because my psychic is dead! She must’ve read the cards wrong!
Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry.
Phoebe: Eh, better her than me! Hey, let’s bake cookies!
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey has won the part of dying man and is now able to play the role he was injured for. Chandler is helping to carry him in.]
Chandler: Listen, I’m really glad you got the part.
Joey: (barely audible through the pain) Thank you.
Chandler: But are you sure you can do this?
Joey: Yeah! And hey, thanks for coming with me. And thanks again for helping me take a shower.
(Chandler steps away quickly.)
Chandler: Now, is that never talking about it again?!
Joey: (to the director) Hiya!
The Director: Hey Joey, we’re ready for ya! (Joey stumbles over) Joey, this is Alex he’s going to be playing your son.
Joey: Hi Alex! (to the director) And uh, as you can see my hands are not in my pants. (Holds them both up.)
The Director: Okay. (to Alex) All right uh, Alex now when Joey says his line, "Take good care of your Momma son," that’s your cue to cry. Got it? (Alex nods yes.) All right, let’s do this.
(Joey lies down on the gurney.)
A Crew Member: (with that board thingy) Scene 5, take 1.
The Director: And Action!
Joey: "Take could care of your Momma son." (Alex just looks at him and the director motions for him to continue so he tries it again.) "Take could care of your Momma son." (Alex does nothing.) "Come on son! Your Momma’s good people!"
The Director: Cut! Alex, remember you’re supposed to cry. Can you cry for us this time?
Alex: Okay.
The Director: All right, from the top.
A Crew Member: Scene 5, take 2.
[Time lapse.]
A Crew Member: Take 36 is up!
The Director: All right! Let’s try this again! You ready Joe?
Joey: Ah, just one thing umm, is it all right with you if I, if I scream right up until you say action?
The Director: Uh sure.
Joey: Okay. (Starts screaming.)
The Director: Action!
Joey: (he stops screaming at action) "Take good care of your Momma son." (Again Alex does nothing.)
The Director: Cut!!!!!!!!!! (Joey starts screaming again.)
(Chandler decides to help out.)
Chandler: I’m sorry! Hey-hey Joe, why don’t you uh, lift up your shirt? (He does.) Take a look at this kiddo. (Alex finally starts crying.) We have a crying child! Roll the damn cameras!
[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s apartment, Rachel is unpacking as the phone rings.]
Rachel: (answering it) Hello?
Russell: (Ross’s divorce lawyer.) Hello, is Ross there?
Rachel: Uh no, he’s not. Can I take a message?
Russell: Yes, this Russell, Ross’s divorce lawyer, just tell him that since I haven’t heard from him, I assume he’s decided to give the marriage a try.
Rachel: Ross got married again—Nooooooo!!!!!!!!!
[Scene: a NYU lecture hall, Ross is trying to phase out his accent.]
Ross: (in his head) All right, keep going. We are phasing the accent out, phasing it out. So without out re-testing the results in the laboratory (pronounced the British way) the team would never have identified (British) the initial errors in their carbon dating analysis (British). Were there any questions at this point? (One student raises his hand.) Yes. (Points to him.)
A Student: What’s happening to your accent?
Ross: (British) Come again? What’s-what’s this nonsense? (Giggles.) (American.) All right, I’m-I’m not English. I’m from Long Island. I was really nervous and the accent just uh, just came out. I’m sorry. So, if we could just get back to the lecture. Umm, were there any questions? (Everyone raises their hands) About paleontology. (They all put their hands down.) All right, look I was just trying to make a good first impression. Obviously, I screwed up. But what you guys think of me is really important because I’m-I’m hoping to get a permanent job here. So if you just give me another chance to make a good impression…
(At this moment Rachel bursts through the door. Needless to say, she’s not in the best of moods having just found out Ross’s dirty little secret.)
Rachel: Ross!! Are you crazy?! I am still your wife!! What, were you just never gonna tell me?!! What the hell is wrong with you?!!!! Ugh, I could just kill you!!!!
Ross: (in the accent again) Well, hello Rachel!
Ending Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is holding a football helmet; and apparently, in a rather disgusting scene, Joey wants Phoebe to beat him senseless. (Luckily it isn’t a long trip.) Because he’s made a miraculous recovery from his hernia and wants to take advantage of all those free surgeries he can get now since he’s re-established his health insurance.]
Phoebe: Have you really done this before?
Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You just take a big, big swing. Now, don’t hold back. (He dons his protective helmet (Why, I have no clue.) and Phoebe picks up a wooden baseball bat and starts to swing as Chandler and Monica enter.)
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Hey-hey-hey!
Chandler: What are you doing?
Phoebe: We’re just celebrating that Joey got his health insurance back.
Chandler: Oh, all right.
(Decided that they are less than human as well, Chandler picks up a golf club and Monica a frying pan, to join in on the fun of beating their good friend to within an inch of his life!)
End
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605 The One With Joey’s Porsche
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is there except for Rachel and Ross, who both come storming in. Rachel is still going off about Ross’s secret marriage.]
Rachel: I cannot believe that you didn’t tell me that we are still married!!
Ross: Look I was going to tell you!
Rachel: When?! After the birth of our first secret child?! (To All) Ross didn’t get the annulment; we are still married.
Chandler: What?
Monica: You’re kidding!
Phoebe: (overdoing it) Oh my God!!
Monica: Ross!
Ross: Okay, maybe it wasn’t my best decision. But I just couldn’t face another failed marriage.
Chandler: Okay, let me just jump in and ask, at what point did you think this was a successful marriage?
Ross: Rach, come on, if you think about it, it’s actually kinda funny. (He laughs, and he laughs alone.) Okay, maybe it’s best not to think about it.
Phoebe: Okay, this is inexcusable. I am shocked to my very core!
Ross: Phoebe, I told her you already knew.
Phoebe: Another lie. You have a sickness!
Chandler: Ross, just for my own piece of mind, you’re not married to anymore of us are ya?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Monica are at the counter getting some more coffee.]
Joey: Oh! Hey, somebody left their keys. (Looks at them) Ooohh, to a Porsche! {Transcriber’s note: Oh come on! Who would leave the keys to their Porsche behind? If I had a Porsche, I’d have the keys surgically attached to my hand!} Hey Gunther, these yours?
Gunther: Yeah, that’s what I drive. I make four bucks an hour, I saved up for 350 years!
Joey: Na-uh! (To everyone there) Hey did anybody lose their keys?
Monica: Joey, why don’t you put them in the lost and found?
Joey: There’s a lost and found? (Gunther sets the box up on the table.) My shoe! (Grabs it out of the box.)
Chandler: You left a shoe here?!
Joey: Well, I didn’t realize until I got home. I wasn’t gonna walk all the way back down here with one shoe! Y’know what? I’m gonna go find that guy’s car and leave a note on the windshield. (Goes to do so.)
Chandler: Oh good, when he comes back for his keys, I’ll be sure to give him your shoe.
Joey: Great! Thanks. (Exits.)
Phoebe: (coming in from the bathroom) Oh, good, good, you guys are here! Listen, how would like to spend tomorrow taking care of three incredibly cute little puppies?!
Monica: Oh my God, what a fun day! That sounds great!
Chandler: (not enthused) Yeah, all right.
Phoebe: Okay, well I’ll bring them by tomorrow morning. Okay, and uh, by the way, they’re not actually puppies, they’re Frank and Alice’s triplets. Okay, see ya! (Exits.)
Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa! What?
Phoebe: (stops) Please! Please! Please! Please! Oh please! Please! Please! Frank and Alice asked me to baby sit the triplets and I’m nervous ‘cause I’ve never done that before by myself!
Monica: Don’t worry about it Phoebe, we’ll absolutely do it.
Chandler: Yeah, I’m gonna pass. ‘Cause I was kinda iffy when it was puppies.
Monica: Come on Chandler, come on! It’ll give us great practice for when—(realizes what she’s about to say and changes)—people with babies come to visit.
[Scene: The street down the block from Central Perk, Joey has found the Porsche and is writing the note.]
Guy #1: Nice car!
Joey: Yeah, it’s not mine.
Woman: (walking up) I love your car.
Joey: Yeah, it’s (looks up and sees the woman) mine.
Woman: I bet it’s fast.
Joey: Me too! Yeah. And comfortable. Do uh, do you like leather seats?
Woman: Yeah!
Joey: (checks in the window to make sure it has them) It’s got ‘em!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are having tea.]
Rachel: So, I still have boxes here. I still have boxes at Ross’s, and I have nowhere to live! Wow. I could so easily freak out right now.
Phoebe: What about me? I just found out that Denise is leaving town for a while, I don’t have a roommate.
Rachel: Well, maybe-maybe I could be your roommate Pheebs.
Phoebe: Maybe you could be my roommate!
Rachel: Well there’s an idea!!
Phoebe: Yeah!
Rachel: That would be great! Wait, how long is Denise gone for?
Phoebe: Umm, she said she’d be back December 26th.
Rachel: December 26th, huh maybe she’s Santa Clause.
(Phoebe laughs, then stops to think about it. Ross enters.)
Rachel: (deadpan) Oh look who it is, my husband. The apple of my eye.
Ross: Okay, I got us a court date for tomorrow at 2:00 and I picked up all the forms. I’ll take care of everything.
Rachel: Well sure, if you say you’re gonna take care of everything I have no reason to doubt you. Give me those forms! (Grabs them from him.) All right, now I’m gonna do this my way and I don’t want to hear a peep out of you!
Ross: Okay Rach, but…
Rachel: Op! You’re peeping!
(Ross grunts something and hands her the pen he was trying to hand her.)
Rachel: Ross! Y’know what, I just got—why? Why did you do this?!
Ross: Look I told you…
Rachel: I don’t wanna hear "Three failed marriages!"
Ross: Look, if you’d had two failed marriages, you’d understand!
Rachel: Well, y’know what? Thanks to you I’m half way there! Ugh! Oh! I am so mad! Ross, I don’t think I have ever been this angry!
Ross: What about the time I said we were on a break?
Rachel: Ugh! (Stares at him.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next day, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are baby-sitting the triplets. They each have one baby.]
Monica: Pheebs, how’s it going?
Phoebe: (rapidly) I’m doing okay. I think it’s going well. Do you think they’re having fun? Am I talking to fast?
Monica: Nope, sound like me. Pheebs, it’s going great. Look at Chandler with little baby girl Chandler.
Chandler: Little baby girl Chandler, where I have heard that before? Oh right, Coach Ruben. (Tries to get her to drink a little more from the bottle when he suddenly smells something. It’s times like these I’m glad Smell-O-Vision hasn’t been invented.) Do you know what Pheebs? When you’re done over there, we kinda have a situation over here too. (Phoebe is changing hers.)
Phoebe: Na-uh, no, we are all responsible for our own babies.
Chandler: See that’s where I think that you’re wrong. We’ve been playing these babies man for man; we should really be playing a zone defense.
Monica: What do you mean?
Chandler: I just think that things would go a lot smoother if we each have our own zone. Phoebe, you can be in charge of wiping. And y’know Mon, you can be in charge of diapering and I can be in charge of looking how cute they are when they put their hands around… (He degrades into baby talk, but he means when they grab his finger.)
Phoebe: That sounds really great, but maybe you should be in charge of wiping.
Chandler: Okay, I’m a rookie. I should not be in the end zone.
[Time lapse, they have set up a little assembly line for diaper changes. Phoebe wipes, Chandler adds the powder, begrudgingly, and Monica puts the diaper on.]
Monica: This is so great! This is exactly how we set the plates at the restaurant.
Phoebe: Yeah? (Checking the final diaper) Well this is not what I ordered.
Joey: (entering) Hey guys!
Chandler: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Hey babies! Oh, I’m having the best morning. That uh, that Porsche I’ve got the keys too, still there!
Chandler: Shocking! Since you still have the keys.
Joey: You should see the treatment I get when I’m with that car! People are friendly; they-they wanna talk, and not just about the car! One guy gave me advice about my equity investments.
Chandler: What equity investments?
Joey: The ones that got me the Porsche! Will you keep up! (Chandler wipes his forehead with a baby wipe, that might have been used. He drops it disgustedly.) But I figured, if-if people keep seeing me just standing there, they’re gonna start to think that I don’t own it. So I figured I’ll wash it. Right? Monica, you got a bucket and some soap I can borrow?
Monica: Oh yeah, I got soap and sponges and rags and Carnuba wax and polishing compound.
Chandler: You don’t even have a car!
Monica: I know. But umm, one time there was this really dirty car in front of the building, so I washed it.
Chandler: And?
Monica: And six others.
Chandler: There you are.
[Scene: The Porsche, Joey is finishing up washing the car and is talking to a guy about the car.]
Joey: Yeah, she tops out at 130.
Guy #2: Wow!
Joey: And that’s just in the city. I get her up to 160 when I take her upstate.
Guy #2: Really! You got a place upstate?
Joey: Sure!
Guy #2: Well, I’ll see you later.
Joey: Okay, take it easy.
The Porsche Owner: Hey! That’s my car.
Joey: Really? Oh uh, oh just give me five more minutes with it.
The Porsche Owner: What-what are you doing?
Joey: Oh I-I uh, found the keys and now I’m just polishing her up.
The Porsche Owner: But it’s my car!
Joey: Yeah, but it’s my wax.
The Porsche Owner: Listen, I-I-I don’t come to this city much so I don’t know if you’re crazy or this is some kind of street theater, but could I have my keys.
Joey: Sure. Here. (He hands them over.) I’ll uh, save your parking spot.
The Porsche Owner: I’m not coming back.
Joey: Why not?
The Porsche Owner: I live upstate.
Joey: Yeah, so did I.
(The guy gets in and drives off.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the triplets are all in their crib as Monica and Phoebe watch them.]
Phoebe: I don’t know why I was so nervous about this. And I don’t know why Frank and Alice are always complaining. This is so easy.
Monica: Yeah, two hours, a lifetime that’s the same.
Chandler: (entering) Check it out! Check it out! When the babies wake up, they can meet Krog! (He holds up this Xena-like warrior action figure.)
Monica: Chandler, what are you doing? That thing can put someone’s eye out!
Chandler: He can do more than that! He can destroy the universe!
Phoebe: No Chandler, they can swallow one of those little parts! And also, look at his smooth area, that’s just gonna mess them up.
Chandler: They’re not gonna swallow anything, you guys are being way over protective. When I was a kid, my mom used to just throw me into a pile of broken glass!
Phoebe: What?!
Chandler: Glass, sand, whatever. (Walks out as Monica and Phoebe turn to check on the babies again.)
Phoebe: Oh, look at little Leslie stretching in her sleep.
Monica: Oh it’s so cute. I wonder what age it is when you stop being able to put both legs over your head.
Phoebe: Oh, I can still do that.
Monica: How are you still single?!
Chandler: (entering) All right. (Clears throat) I thought about it and maybe you’re right. Maybe Krog is not a safe toy.
Monica: Good. What made you change your mind?
Chandler: I swallowed the sonic blaster gun.
Phoebe: How did that happen?!!
Chandler: Well, I was trying to prove that I was right. Y’know? And it turns out I was wrong. And now it’s lodged in my throat. (Mimics a cat trying to cough up a hairball.) (He does it again.)
Monica: Damnit! Y’know this whole time we were concentrating on watching the babies and, and no one was watching Chandler! (He does it again.)
[Scene: A judge’s chambers, Rachel and Ross are filing their annulment papers.]
Judge: Okay you two are asking the court for an annulment?
Rachel: Yes your honor, and here are, are forms, all filled out.
Judge: So based on your petition you are seeking an annulment on the grounds that Mr. Geller is mentally unstable.
Ross: Fine, I’m mentally unstable.
Judge: And based on the fact that Mr. Geller is intravenous drug user.
Ross: What?!
Rachel: Uh yes, heroin and crack.
Ross: Crack isn’t even an intravenous drug!
Rachel: Well, you would know.
Judge: Now it also says here that you lied about your sexual preference before marriage?
Ross: Oh, come on!
Rachel: (starts to cry) Ross, please, I found the magazines!
Judge: And finally that you were unable to consummate the marriage. Well, that makes sense since you’re gay and addicted to heroin.
Ross: Okay, I’m sorry, this is insane! I-I-I’m not addicted to heroin, I’m not gay, and there is no problem with my ability to consummate anything! Look, I’ll consummate this marriage right here, right now!
Judge: That won’t be necessary.
Ross: And when we were dating we consummated like bunnies!
Rachel: Ugh!
Judge: Now if you were two involved in a serious relationship, that really creates a problem.
Rachel: Ross! Your honor, rest assured relationship ended like two years ago! (To the stenographer) And could you strike "Consummated like bunnies" from the record?
Judge: Is there, anything in this record that is actually true?
Rachel: Well, yes, we got married in Vegas and uh, and the names I think.
Judge: Well, based on what I heard, you two certainly don’t qualify for an annulment. If you two don’t want to be together you’ll have to file for divorce.
Ross: (stands up) That’s great! Are you happy now? Look what you did with your funny, funny form!
Rachel: (stands up as well) What?! Me?! What about you and your consummated like bunnies nonsense!
Ross: And what—(notices the stenographer is still typing)—What are you typing that for? Did you hear what she said? We don’t get the annulment. Don’t type that! What?! Stop typing! (He goes over to where the stenographer is typing and in the process pushes Rachel out of his way.) Hey! Stop typing! (He’s still typing.) Stop typing! Stop typing!!
Rachel: (to the judge) Okay, do you see, do you see what you’re keeping me married too?!
Judge: You need to get out of my chambers.
Rachel: All right look lady here is the deal, I came here for an annulment and I am not leaving here until I get one!
Ross: Yeah!
Judge: Would you like to spend the night in jail?
Rachel: And thank you for your time. (They both beat a hasty retreat.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is still doing the hairball thing as Monica and Phoebe are watching the babies. I can’t describe it, you’ll have to see it when it comes on in your area.]
Joey: (entering wearing nothing but Porsche clothes) So the Porsche guy took his car back.
Chandler: But you found the keys to his clothes?
Joey: No. No, I just uh, I just loved the way it feels when everybody thinks I own a Porsche.
Monica: And people will think you own a Porsche because you’re wearing the clothes?
Joey: Of course! Only an idiot would wear this stuff if you didn’t have the car! Right?
Chandler: That is true.
Phoebe: Yeah, but only a genius would swallow a sonic blaster gun.
Joey: Oh, I’ve been there. Yeah, I am gonna go drive my Porsche. (Starts to leave.)
Monica: Joey, you know you don’t actually have one.
Joey: Come on! What are you doing?! I’m in character! Would you talk to her! (Storms out.)
Chandler: Ahh, I think it just moved. It’s really poking me.
Monica: All right, that’s it, we’re going to the emergency room.
Phoebe: What?! No, you can’t, you can’t leave me here with them! We’re baby-sitting!
Monica: The babies are asleep, I’m sure you’ll be okay on your own for a while!
Phoebe: But you-you can’t leave me with them! We-we’re a team! We’re playing a zone! They’re gonna triple team me!
Monica: He’s got something plastic lodged in his throat, we’ve got to go to the hospital.
Phoebe: But no, because a doctor won’t be able to help him, it’s just gonna y’know naturally pass through his system in like seven years.
Chandler: I think that’s gum.
Phoebe: I’m pretty sure it’s gun.
Chandler: Okay, listen this really hurts. Let’s go.
Phoebe: A real man wouldn’t just run to the hospital! (They don’t stop.) No! What would, what would Krog do? (They ignore her and Phoebe is left alone.)
[Scene: The street, Joey is hanging out wearing his Porsche grab.]
Joey: Why isn’t that valet back with my Porsche?
Passerby: Maybe because you’ve got the keys?
Joey: (to women passing him) Porsche.
(Ross and Rachel approach, they’re still yelling at each other.)
Rachel: This is totally your fault!
Ross: My fault?! You threatened the judge!
Rachel: Well, you ripped the paper out of the court reporter’s machine!!
Ross: That was the only way I could get him to stop typing!
Joey: Hi! How are the Gellers?
Rachel: Don’t call us that! (Storms away)
Ross: The judge wouldn’t let us get an annulment! Now we gotta get a divorce!! Did a Porsch throw up on you? (Walks on.)
Joey: Hey! It’s Porsche!! (He’s right y’know.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is being triple teamed.]
Phoebe: Me taking care of you is no problem, huh? You guys feel safe. Right? Okay, I’m gonna take that spit bubble as, "Yeah, I do!" Okay, after I get rid of this dirty diaper Leslie, I’ll set you up with a clean one. (She throws it at the garbage without looking, misses, and knocks over a vase and flowers, which fall to the floor and break.) Okay, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I just have to clean that up. Okay? ‘Cause let’s face it, we’re at Monica’s. (She crawls over, disposes of the diaper, picks up the flowers, and the vase.) I broke it. All right. Well, that’s just the way that goes. (She throws out both the flowers and the vase.) Okay, good. (She turns around and only counts two babies.) Why are there only two of you? Where is Leslie? Well, you can’t answer. (She starts looking for her) Leslie? Where are you Leslie? Leslie, now would be a good time for your first words! (She turns around and finds that Leslie has managed to crawl into the bottom drawer of the TV cabinet.) Well, look at you! Hey! You are a little bit mischievous! My gosh! (She picks her up and notices a surprise is waiting in the drawer.) Oh, you’re a lot mischievous! Well, it’ll dry. (Closes the drawer with her foot.) (To Leslie) Okay, you sit with your brother and sister now—who aren’t there! (They both have disappeared as well.)
[Time Lapse, the babies are finally asleep. Good for Phoebe! The only problem is, Monica’s apartment looks like a tornado, a hurricane, a swarm of locusts, fire, brimstone, hail, and giant man-eating, radioactive ants have torn the place apart. Needless to say, it’s messy enough to cause Monica to die of shock right away. Parents with small children know what I’m talking about.]
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: (exhausted) How do you feel?
Chandler: Well, let’s just say that Krog will be fully equipped to destroy the universe again in twelve to fourteen hours.
Phoebe: Okay, so I totally took care of the babies all by myself! I fed ‘em, bathed ‘em, and put ‘em to bed.
Chandler: And protected them from a tornado?
(Monica enters and her jaw drops in horror.)
Monica: Oh my God.
Phoebe: I know, the babies are asleep.
Monica: Phoebe, what, what happened here?!
Phoebe: I did it! I took care of the babies all by myself!
Monica: But my apartment!
Chandler: Was the setting of Phoebe’s triumph.
Monica: But the mess!
Chandler: Is not as important as the fact that Phoebe took care of the babies all by herself.
Monica: You’re right, you’re right I shouldn’t freak out. ‘Cause this is what will happen when you and I have babies! When will that be?!
Chandler: (pause) Phoebe, would you take a look at this mess!!!!
[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Rachel is packing what she still has over there as Ross enters.]
Rachel: (deadpan) Oh honey thank God you’re home, I was getting worried.
Ross: I picked up the divorce papers. Uh, I’ve already signed everything and I put little ‘X’s where you need to sign.
Rachel: Oh, little ‘X’s! Great! That makes up for everything!
Ross: Y’know, I-I—you’ve done a lot of stupid stuff too! Okay?
Rachel: Oh, name one stupid thing that is as stupid as this one!
Ross: Okay, how about you flew to London to stop my wedding! Ah, how about you told me you loved me after I was already married!
Rachel: Hey! Wait a minute! That was different! I did those things because I was in love with you!
Ross: Yeah! Right!
(Pause.)
Ross: You’re right. That’s very different. So let’s, let’s just sign the papers. All right? (Sits down and Rachel keeps standing there.) What?
Rachel: Nothing. (Sits down.)
Ross: Okay, can we just sign please?
Rachel: Uh-hmm. (Just as Rachel finishes signing her name, Ross yanks each page out of the way.)
Ross: Congratulations. (Gets up to leave.)
Rachel: Okay Ross, we’re—wait a minute. Umm, I uh, I kinda have a little confession.
Ross: What?
Rachel: Well, y’know this whole marriage thing, kinda my idea.
Ross: Excuse me?
Rachel: Well, remember how we were too drunk to remember anything the night we were married?
Ross: Yeah?
Rachel: And uh, yeah, I didn’t really, I didn’t want to say anything, but it kinda it just, it kinda kept coming back to me, and umm, remember we were in the casino and for some reason thought it would be funny to eat a lot of grapes. And uh, and I thought it would be funnier if we got married. So as a, as a compromise we decided first to get married, and then (Ross joins in) to eat a lot of grapes. So umm, sorry I got us into this mess.
Ross: So then if-if—I mean if you think about it, this is all (Pause.) your fault.
Rachel: Yeah, don’t push it though.
Ross: I’ve got to say; I know I divorce a lot of women, never thought I would be divorcing you.
Rachel: I know. I always thought if you and I got married, it would be the one that stuck. And it wouldn’t be a secret, and we wouldn’t have our wedding dinner at Pizza Hut. (They both laugh.)
Ross: Did I, did I even treat?
Rachel: No, it was on the house, it was, it was a newlywed special.
Ross: That may be the most depressing thing I’ve heard in my life. I should probably get these to my lawyer’s office.
Rachel: Hey, thanks Ross, for taking care of all of this.
Ross: Eh, no problem.
(They hug.)
Rachel: I’m gonna need a copy of those.
Ross: Totally. (Exits.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: The street, Joey is messing with a car cover and still wearing the Porsche stuff. This guy playing street football catches a pass next to the car cover Joey is fooling around with.]
Joey: Hey! Hey! Be careful around my Porsche!
Woman: (the same one from before approaches) Hi Joey.
Joey: Hey! How you doin’?
Woman: (to her friend) He has the most amazing Porsche under there!
Joey: I’d love to show ya, but I just tucked her in. She’s sleeping. (The women both laugh) Hey uh, would you two girls like to go for a drink? (Just then the same guy with the football dives to make a catch, lands on the car cover, and collapses it. It turns out that Joey set up a bunch of boxes to make it look like a Porsche.)
End
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606 The One The Last Night
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is balancing a mini hockey stick on his hand as Chandler enters from his room carrying a bunch of bills.]
Chandler: (watches Joey for a moment) Okay! (Joey quickly moves the hockey stick so that he’s scratching his back with it.) Listen, I’m gonna be moving out so you will be in charge of paying the rent.
Joey: Right! And when is that due?
Chandler: First of the month.
Joey: And that’s every month?
Chandler: No, just the months you actually want to live here.
Joey: Ahhh.
Chandler: Okay, here is the phone bill. (Hands it to Joey.)
Joey: (looking at it) Oh my God!!
Chandler: That’s our phone number. Now look, I know I kinda sprung this whole me moving out on thing, so why don’t I just—why don’t I just cover you for a while?
Joey: No-no! No way! Joey Tribbiani does not take charity…anymore.
Chandler: It’s not charity, Joe…
Joey: No! Forget it! Okay—I mean thanks, but I’m done taking money from you. All right, I can take of myself. Now, what’s next? Come on.
Chandler: Okay uh, here’s the electric bill. (Hands it to him.)
Joey: This is how much we pay for electric?!!!
Chandler: Uh, yeah.
(Joey runs over and shuts off the lights.)
Chandler: So, we’ll do the rest of the bills later then?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is talking to Phoebe about trying to give Joey some money.]
Phoebe: So is Joey going to have to give up the apartment?
Chandler: No, I hope not! I tried to offer him some money, but he wouldn’t take it.
Phoebe: Well, how much do you think he needs?
Chandler: I figure that $1,500 would cover him for a few months, y’know? But I have to trick him into taking it so I won’t hurt his pride.
Phoebe: Why don’t you hire him as an actor? You could have him dress up and put on little skits. Whatever you want.
Chandler: Well that would help the pride thing.
Monica: (entering from her room) Hey!
Chandler: Hey! Wow! You look great! Wanna move in with me tomorrow?
Monica: (thinks) Okay.
Chandler: Okay! (They kiss) So, what do you girls have planned for tonight?
Monica: Well, instead of being sad that tonight is my last night together with Rachel we thought we’d go out to dinner and celebrate the fact that Rachel is moving in with Phoebe.
Phoebe: And also, my birthday.
Monica: It’s not your birthday.
Phoebe: What a mean thing to say! I would never tell you it’s not your birthday!
(Joey and Ross enter.)
Joey: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey! So you guys have anything planned for the big last night?
Chandler: Well, instead of just hanging out, we figure we’d do nothing.
Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa, Knicks season opener tonight. I thought maybe you guys would come over and watch it.
Joey: I don’t know Ross, not if you’re gonna talk about how you gave up a career in basketball to become a paleontologist.
Ross: I did give up a career in basketball to become a paleontologist!
Rachel: (entering from her room) Pheebs, I was wondering…
Monica: You’re not dressed yet?! We’re supposed to start having fun in 15 minutes!
Rachel: Well and clearly not a minute sooner.
Monica: Rachel, you are packed though right, I mean please tell me that you’re packed.
Rachel: Of course I packed! Monica relax! I just wanted to ask Phoebe her opinion on what I should wear tonight.
Phoebe: My God, I can’t get a minute of peace around this place.
[Cut to Rachel’s bedroom, Phoebe and her are entering. And it’s obvious that she’s not packed.]
Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica’s just gonna kill you.
Rachel: Yeah, yeah, I know.
Phoebe: Well, what you’re wearing is fine for that.
Monica: (entering) Rachel, I need to borrow—You’re not packed!!!! You’re not packed even a little bit!
Rachel: Surprise!!
Monica: What?
Rachel: No, no don’t get mad because look—this is what happened. So I-I started packing, then I realized, "What am I doing? I am lousy at packing!" Right? But you love packing! So, as a gift to you, on our last night, ta-da!
Monica: (grabs a bag of those Styrofoam peanuts) I’ll be coordinator! Oh my God! I’m so sorry, I didn’t get you anything! Okay, look everybody has to help! Okay? You can help, can’t you Phoebe?
Phoebe: I have plans.
Monica: You’re plans were with us.
Phoebe: That’s right.
Monica: All right, Chandler can make boxes, Ross can wrap, and Joey can lift things. Now Phoebe, go tell the guys they have to help out!
Phoebe: Okay.
Monica: Okay! (To Rachel) Oh my God, thank you!!
[Cut to living room, Phoebe enters and closes Rachel’s door behind her.]
Phoebe: Hurry! Monica’s gonna make you pack! She’s got jobs for everyone! Now, it’s too late for me, but save your selves! (The guys scramble for the door.)
Monica: (entering and interrupting the guy’s escape attempt) Okay! The movers will be here in 11 hours. Rachel has not packed. Now, everybody has to help! Chandler, we’re gonna start with…
Chandler: Oh nope, I-I have plans with Joey.
Monica: I thought you said you were going to do nothing.
Chandler: Yes, but for the last time.
Monica: Okay fine, now Ross…
Ross: Oh, but-but I can’t do it.
Monica: Why not?
Joey: (quietly) I’ve got Ben.
Ross: Because, because I’ve got Ben.
Monica: It’s almost 8 o’clock, it’s almost past his bedtime. Where-where is he?
Chandler: He’s at a dinner party.
Monica: Is he really coming? Because I can see right into your apartment!
Ross: Of course he is! What, do you think I’d just use my son as-as an excuse? What kind of father do you think I am?
Monica: All right, sorry. (Goes back to Rachel’s room.)
Ross: (to the guys) I gotta go make a fake Ben.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is entering carrying two pizzas.]
Joey: Here it is! Our last pizzas together as roommates.
Chandler: Oh, I wish I’d know you were going to do that, I ordered Chinese.
Joey: Oh that’s okay. Hey, actually in a way it’s kinda nice. Me, bringing the food of my ancestors, you, the food of yours!
(Chandler stares at him, dumbfounded, then finally agrees.)
Chandler: Say, Joe, I had a strange idea of what we could do for our last night. What do you say we play a little uh, foosball for money?
Joey: What, are you crazy? You haven’t beaten me once since my injury plagued ’97 season. It would be easier if you just give me your money.
Chandler: Yes it would. What do you say to $50?
Joey: Okay, you’re on.
Chandler: Okay, let’s play! The big game, Italy vs. China, apparently.
(They start playing.)
[Scene: Rachel’s bedroom, she’s in her closet bringing down her pair of roller blades from a top shelf.]
Rachel: Ohhhhhh, look it’s the roller blades.
Monica: (starting to cry) Oh God!
Rachel: You remember when we got these?
Monica: No.
Rachel: I guess you weren’t there. (They hug.)
Phoebe: You guys, we said we were gonna have fun! Come on, hey, remember the time… (She starts laughing hysterically.) You don’t remember?
Rachel: I’m sorry Pheebs, I guess I’m just really said that I’m leaving.
Monica: I’m gonna miss you so much.
Phoebe: Well, this doesn’t have to be so sad though. Y’know? Maybe instead of just thinking about how much you’re gonna miss each other, you should like think of the things you’re not gonna miss.
Monica: I don’t think there’s anything.
Phoebe: Come on, there’s gotta be something.
Monica: Nope, she’s perfect.
Rachel: I have one.
Phoebe: Good! Great! You can go first.
Rachel: Uh well, I guess I’m not gonna miss the fact that you’re never allowed to move the phone pen. (Laughs. Monica lags behind the laugh a little bit.)
Phoebe: Good that’s a good one. Okay, Monica, anything? Y’know? Does Rachel move the phone pen?
Monica: Aw, sometimes. Always, actually.
Phoebe: Okay, good. There you go. Doesn’t anyone feel better?
Monica: Not just the phone pen. I never get my messages.
Rachel: You get your messages!
Monica: Yeah, well I don’t think it really counts if you have to read them off the back of your hand after you fall asleep on the couch.
Rachel: So-so, you missed a message from who? Chandler or your mom? Or Chandler? Or your mom?
Phoebe: Great! It worked! No one’s sad.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they are just finishing up another game of foosball.]
Joey: (scores) Yes! I win again! Ha-ha! That’s like 500 bucks you owe me! Whoo-ho-hoo! (Goes over to the fridge and starts opening and closing the door rapidly.) $500 that is a loooot of electricity! (By the way, there’s nothing in the fridge.) Whoo-ho-ho! (Notices the sparseness of the fridge.) I gotta buy some food.
Chandler: Okay, give me a chance to win my money back. Okay? Sudden death, one goal, $1,000.
Joey: You serious?
Chandler: Oh yes!
Joey: Okay, get ready to owe me!
Chandler: Okay.
Joey: Okay, here we go. Ready?
[In slow motion, as some haunty demonic music plays in the background, Joey throws the ball in, Chandler quits playing and goes for his Chinese food. Joey smacks the ball really hard, shooting it down the table. Chandler slowly takes a bite, the ball bounces off of the wall, heads back up the table, and scores the goal for Chandler.]
Chandler: No! No! No! No—(Joey looks at him)—one can beat me.
(In frustration, Joey kicks the table, breaking it.)
Chandler: See? Now, that’s why only the little fake men are supposed to do all the kicking.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the phone rings and Monica answers it as Rachel and Phoebe move a box into the living room.]
Monica: Hello? (Listens) Oh, hi Ross! (To Rachel) See? Other people call me!
Rachel: Ooh, your brother. Score!
Monica: (on phone) What’s up?
Ross: Oh, I’m just over here with Ben. I thought we’d say hi.
Monica: Oh, put him on!
Ross: Ben, say hi to Aunt Monica. (He holds the phone to the fake Ben he has created out of a pumpkin.) Oh, I guess he doesn’t feel like talking right now. He’s smiling though! Okay, talk to you later.
[Scene: Rachel’s bedroom, Rachel is entering carrying two glasses of wine. She gives one to Phoebe, keeps one, and completely ignores Monica.]
Phoebe: Yeah, I think it was better when you guys were sad. Hey, uh, remember the roller blades?
Rachel: You know what else I’m not gonna miss? "I’m Monica. I wash the toilet 17 times a day. Even if people are on it!"
Monica: "Hi I’m Rachel, is my sweater too tight? No? Oh, I’d better wash it and shrink it!"
Rachel: "I’m Monica, I don’t get phone messages from interesting people. Ever!"
Phoebe: Hey! I call her!
Monica: "Oh my God, I love Ross! I hate Ross! I love Ross! I hate Ross!"
Rachel: "Oh my God, I can’t find a boyfriend! So I guess I’ll just stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find in there!"
(Monica picks up one of those boxes of hair curling things, dumps it in a box, and storms out.)
Phoebe: Yeah, we should get a move on if we wanna make those dinner reservations. (Phoebe dumps a drawer full of makeup into a box.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is examining the broken foosball table as Chandler enters from his room.]
Chandler: Still broken?
Joey: This sucks man! The last night you’re here and I lose the two most important things in my life, the foosball table and $500.
Chandler: Well, there are other ways of winning back your money, how about a little uh, a little Blackjack? (Holds up a deck of cards.)
Joey: Nah, not my game.
Chandler: Okay, uh, how about, how about—y’know what? We could play a new game. A new game, it’s fun.
Joey: Well, what’s it called?
Chandler: Cups.
Joey: I don’t know how to play Cups.
Chandler: I’ll teach ya! Come on, come on, it’s really easy and really, really fun.
Joey: All right.
Chandler: Okay, here you go. (He deals out two cards each.) I have two queens, what do you have?
Joey: A two and a five.
Chandler: Ho-ho, you win! 50 dollars!
Joey: Really?!
Chandler: Oh yeah! Okay, let’s play again. (He deals out two cards each again.) What do you got?
Joey: A four and a nine.
Chandler: You’re kidding right?
Joey: No. Why?
Chandler: Well that’s a full cup! (Pays him again.)
Joey: Damn! I am good at Cups!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is whining to Phoebe about Rachel.]
Monica: I’m not talking to her!
Phoebe: Well, one of you has to take the first step! And it should be you, because she’s the one who’s leaving. It’s harder for her!
Monica: Well, maybe you’re right—She made fun of my phone pen!
Phoebe: I know, I took it hard too.
(Monica goes into Rachel’s room.)
Monica: Listen Rachel, I feel really bad about—What are you doing? (She sees that Rachel is unpacking.)
Rachel: I’m unpacking!
Monica: What?!
Rachel: I’m not moving! (She re-hangs a picture, crookedly.) Is that picture straight?
Monica: It needs to go about 20 blocks to the left!
Rachel: Hey, y’know what? You’re the one who wants to make this big change and move in with Chandler! You should be the one to go! Why should I have to leave?!
Monica: Because it’s my apartment!
Rachel: Well it’s mine too! What else you got?!
Monica: How about, you’re moving!! (Grabs a bunch of clothes and throws them into a box. What follows is a brief sequence of Rachel unpacking and Monica packing the same stuff over and over again as Rachel chants "No." and Monica chants "Yes.")
Rachel: Look! This is ridiculous. We should be packing you!! (She knocks over Monica, grabs a box, and runs into the kitchen.)
Phoebe: Hey, how are you guys doing?
Rachel: Great! Monica’s moving!
Monica: (entering) I am not!
Rachel: Oh really?! Then how come all your stuff is in this box?! (Monica starts chasing Rachel around the table.)
Phoebe: Okay, you guys. You guys I think I know what’s going on here. Okay, you guys… STOP!! (They stop.)I know that, I know that you’re acting mad because you think that it’ll make it easier to leave. But deep down you’re still really sad. Deep-deep down.
Monica: No Phoebe I am mad!
Phoebe: Well, deep-deep-deep down!
Rachel: Yeah, I’m just mad!
Phoebe: Then keep running. (They resume the chase.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they’re still playing Cups.]
Chandler: You win.
Joey: Well, what did you have?
Chandler: It doesn’t matter because nothing beats a three and a six. That my friend is D-Cup. Okay, now much have you won so far?
Joey: Uh, (counts the money) wow, 700.
Chandler: Not 700 exactly?
Joey: Yeah.
Chandler: Double it! (He does.)
Joey: What?
Chandler: Well you see in Cups, once you get $700, you have to double it.
Joey: Really?
Chandler: Hey, I didn’t make up the rules. Now, after you receive the doubling bonus, you get uh, one card. Now that one card could be worth $100 bringing your total to 1,500. (Joey gets excited.) Don’t get to excited because that’s not gonna happen unless you get—No way! (He takes the top card, which is the two of clubs. Of course, any card would’ve won. Chandler pays him.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica carries a box out of Rachel’s room.]
Monica: Well, this is the last box of your clothes. I’m just gonna label it, "What were you thinking?"
Rachel: Funny, because I was just gonna go across the hall and write that on Chandler.
Phoebe: Hey you guys, I don’t mean to make things worse, but umm, I don’t want to live with Rachel anymore.
Monica and Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: You’re just so mean to each other! And I don’t want to end up like that with Rachel. I still like you!
Rachel: Well, Phoebe that’s fine because I’m not moving.
Monica: Whoa-whoa-whoa, Phoebe you gotta take her! Y’know I-I-I said some really bad stuff about her, but y’know Rachel has some good qualities that make her a good roommate.
Rachel: Oh really? Like what Monica?
Monica: Y’know she has 147,000 pairs of boots…
Rachel: Oh yeah, good start Mon.
Monica: She lets you borrow them.
Rachel: Yeah and you stretch ‘em out with your big old clown feet.
Monica: Do you wanna live outside?! Because it’s gettin’ cold! (To Phoebe) She gets tons of catalogs and umm, she’ll fold down the pages of the things she thinks that I’d like.
Phoebe: What else?
Monica: When I take a shower, she leaves me little notes on the mirror.
Rachel: Yeah, I do. I-I do, do that.
Phoebe: That’s nice. I like having things to read in the bathroom.
Monica: When I fall asleep on the couch after reading, she covers me over with a blanket.
Rachel: Well y’know, I don’t want you to be cold.
Monica: And when I told her that I was gonna be moving in with Chandler, she was really supportive. (To Rachel) (Starts to cry) You were so great. You made it so easy. And now you have to leave. And I have to live with a boy!! (They both break down in tears.)
Rachel: Oh, it’s gonna be fine.
Phoebe: Okay Rachel, I can’t wait to live with you! And you know what we should do? Bring Monica and then we could all live there together! We’ll have so much fun!!
Rachel: But honey, I think she’s moving in with Chandler.
Phoebe: Oh that’s right. You’re still set on that?
Monica: Kinda. (She hugs Phoebe and looks out the window. She moves closer to it to get a better look.) Oh my God!
[Cut to Ross’s apartment, he’s watching TV and eating some popcorn as the phone rings.]
Ross: (answering the phone) Hello? (Listens) Hey Mon, how’s the packing going? (Listens) Ben? He’s fine. Yeah, he’s right—Oh my God! (He looks over at the fake Ben and notices that the head has fallen off.) Get your head of your shirt there son! (He tries to push the pumpkin through the neck hole.) What? (Listens) Yeah, it’s a pumpkin. I’ll come pack.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, (Ohh, that’s the last time I’m ever gonna type that line. It’s just so sad.) Joey is entering, angrily.]
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: What’s wrong?
Joey: Ross and I were helping the girls pack, took a little break, I lost $1,500 to him in Cups!
Chandler: Wh-How did you lose at Cups?!
Joey: The same way you lost. I started out with a King and a Queen, bamn! Ross gets a 2 and a 3. Then I get a Jack and a King, boom! Ross gets a 4 and a 5! Ross was getting the Cup card, the D-Cup, the Sittin’ Down Bonus! Meanwhile, I didn’t even get half a cup! Nothin’!!
Chandler: Oh man!!
Joey: And he never played before either! Y’know what I think? I think beginner’s luck, very important in Cups.
Chandler: All right, let’s play one more hand! One more!
Joey: No, no, no more! I cannot lose another dime! I’m serious this time! In-in fact, look, there’s a—I wanna give you something. And let me give it too you know before I pawn it for Cups money. (He rolls the big white dog over) Now, I want you to have the big white dog as a kinda of a, y’know, thank you for being such a great roommate.
Chandler: I can’t take the big white dog! You love it!
Joey: It’s him, not it!
Chandler: No, but wait—what if I bought it from you, y’know? And your nice gesture would be giving it to me at a reasonable price, say (Gets choked up) $1,500?
Joey: Wait a second, I see what you’re trying to do here! You-you’re trying to give me money again!
Chandler: When did I try to give you money?
Joey: Over there! (Points to the couch) Before, with the bills! You tried to give some charity, I said "No," you dropped it. Okay? Then we had a nice last night together, we had some fun, we gambled, nobody tried to give anybody any money! Now out of the blue, you start with the charity thing again!
Chandler: I’m just trying to help you out! Okay? I wanna make sure that you’re okay.
Joey: I will be okay! Look Chandler, you gotta get it out of your head that I can’t take care of myself. Okay? Look, I’m not gonna miss you helping me out with money. The only thing that I’m gonna miss…is you. And now the dog.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, (And that’s the last time for that line, no more Chandler and Joey’s or Monica and Rachel’s, ever!) Joey and Ross are carrying the last table of Rachel’s. Rachel follows slowly, but is stopped by Monica.]
Monica: Hey. Call me when you get there. Okay?
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: I’m really gonna miss you.
(They hug.)
Rachel: Oh! I have your key. Here you go. (Hands it to Monica.)
Monica: Thanks.
Rachel: Yeah.
(Silence ensues.)
Rachel: Oh God! This is silly, I’m gonna see you in a couple of hours! (They hug again.)
Monica: Yeah.
Rachel: Bye house!
(They break the embrace.)
Rachel: Bye Mon.
Monica: Bye.
(Monica closes the door and slowly walks into Rachel’s old and now empty room.)
Chandler: (entering) Hey.
Monica: She really left.
Chandler: I know. (He kisses her.)
Monica: Thank you.
Chandler: No problem roomie. (She turns around and hugs him.)
Monica: Can I ask you a question?
Chandler: Sure!
Monica: What the hell is that dog doing here?! (She notices the dog sitting in the living room.)
(And with that, an era ends as Chandler moves in with Monica as Rachel moves in with Phoebe. It ‘tis a sad and happy time for Friends.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Chandler is trying to get Joey’s money back from Ross.]
Chandler: I invented the game of Cups as a way to give Joey money.
Ross: And now you want that money back.
Chandler: Exactly.
Ross: Chandler, what kind of an idiot do you take me for? (As he picks up the fake Ben.)
Chandler: It’s not a real game! I made it up!
Ross: I’m sorry you lost your money, but I won it fair and square.
Chandler: At a fake game!!
Ross: Now, if you wanna try to make some of it back, I’d be glad to play you for it. But I should warn you, I am very good at Cups.
Chandler: Okay! Now I assume the Saucer card came up when you played last.
Ross: No.
Chandler: Hmm, let’s see if it comes up this time. (He looks at his cards and shrugs.)
End
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607 The One Where Phoebe Runs
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe and Rachel’s new apartment, Rachel and Phoebe are making their answering machine message.]
Phoebe: Ready?
Rachel: Yeah.
Phoebe: Okay.
Rachel: Hi...
Phoebe: it's...
Rachel: Rachel...
Phoebe: and…
Rachel: Phoebe’s...
Phoebe: please...
Rachel: leave...
Phoebe: leave…
Rachel: Wait, I-I just said "leave."
Phoebe: Yeah, I know because you have all the good words. What do I get? I get "it’s," "and" oh I'm sorry, I have "A." Forget it.
Rachel: Phoebe, come on that's silly.
Phoebe: All right, so let's switch.
Rachel: No, I have all of the good words. OK, fine, fine, we can switch.
Phoebe: Okay.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: Hi…
Rachel: Everybody…
Phoebe: It's…
Rachel: Rachel…
Phoebe: and…
Rachel: Phoebe’s…
Phoebe: Please...wait, how did you do that?
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Oh, you're no ordinary roommate are you?
Rachel: Phoebe, come on can we finish this later? Cause I wanna go running before it gets dark. Oh! Why don't you come with me?!
Phoebe: Really?
Rachel: Yeah, it'll be fun. We'll run in the park. It'll be like our first y’know roommate bonding thing.
Phoebe: Okay, let's go running!
Rachel: Yeah and there's really cute guys there.
Phoebe: Let's run towards them!
Rachel: OK!
Phoebe: All right, wait just one more second. Hi, it's Phoebe and Rachel's. Please leave a message, thanks!
Rachel: Now wait a minute. You just took all the words!
Phoebe: Uh-huh. You've met your match Rachel Green.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s new apartment, Ross and Chandler are there.]
Ross: So, I just finished this fascinating book. By the year 2030, there'll be computers that can carry out the same amount of functions as an actual human brain. So theoretically you could download your thoughts and memories into this computer and-and-and live forever as a machine.
Chandler: (not amused) And I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.
[Monica enters]
Monica: Hey!
Ross and Chandler: Hey!
Monica: (jumps over a box) Honey, that's a great idea nailing the boxes to the floor!
Chandler: I didn't nail the boxes to the floor.
Monica: Oh, So you can move them!
Chandler: Yes, and while I'm doing that, Ross has a great computer story for you.
[Joey enters with his new roommate who is played by none other than Elle MacPherson.]
Joey: Hey everybody! Uh, I'd like you to meet Janine. She's-she's gonna be my new roommate!
Janine: Hi.
Ross: Hi! (Rushes over to shake her hand instantly.)
Janine: Hi
Joey: Yeah, she's gonna live with me!
Monica: It's nice to meet you. Janine...?
Janine: Lecroix. Janine Lecroix
Joey: I didn't know that! Well, what a pretty last name!
Chandler: So, uh, wh-where ya from?
Janine: Australia, I just moved here a couple of weeks ago.
Joey: (shocked) From the land down under? I didn't know that either!
Ross: So uh, wha-uh, what do you do?
Janine: I'm a dancer.
Joey: You're a dancer? She-she's a dancer!
Janine: Well, I think I'll go and unpack.
Joey: Oh, hey let me. (Opens the door for Janine and after he closes the door behind her gasps ecstatically.)
Monica: Joey, did you even interview this woman before you asked her to move in?
Joey: Of course I did.
Monica: Uh-huh, what exactly did you ask her?
Joey: "When can you move in?"
Ross: Thank you for bringing her into our lives.
Chandler: Unbelievable
Monica: Oh, so you like her too Chandler?
Chandler: Hey, look at all the boxes!
Joey: Ugh, I cannot wait to ask her out!
Monica: Wait a minute...Joey. Joey you can't ask her out, she's your roommate. It-it'll be way too complicated.
Ross: Yeah, yeah man don't do it. I mean if you date her, then-then-then I can't date her.
Chandler: All right, think about it. Now remember when you were going out with that girl Donna and you guys broke up. Remember how horrible it was when you guys bumped into each other at the supermarket?
Joey: Oh God, yeah.
Chandler: Now imagine you live at the supermarket.
Joey: (happily) Okay!
Chandler: No-no
Joey: Oh, Oh, you're right! I don't want that. I can't date her!
Monica: Yeah and you better watch the flirting too, cause you know, in such close quarters, it could be trouble.
Joey: Well, that's gonna be tough Mon. I mean it's hard for me to be around an attractive woman and not flirt.
Monica: (chuckles) Hmm, well you're around me all the time and you don't flirt.
Joey: You a little sad about that sweetheart?
[Scene, The Park{s:1:tongue}hoebe and Rachel are getting ready to go running]
Phoebe: I have to tie my shoe, so you go ahead, I'll catch up.
Rachel: Okay. (Runs off.)
Phoebe: Okay. (Starts running crazily with her arms flapping and her legs far apart) Come on! That's not running! Let's go! (Rachel pauses, then follows, embarrassed.)
[Scene, Central Perk: Rachel, Ross and Monica are there]
Rachel: You guys, I'm telling you, when she runs, she looks like a cross between Kermit The Frog and The Six Million Dollar Man.
Ross: Monica had such a crush on him. Yeah, she used to kiss his poster every night before she went to bed.
Rachel: Oh! I used to do that too!
Monica: Did you also have his album, It's Not Easy Being Green?
Rachel: Aw, Mon...(Kisses her on the cheek)
Monica: So, Phoebe runs weird huh?
Rachel: Yeah, yeah and you know what, I know she's gonna wanna run again, I just don't know how to get out of it, I mean, I live with her.
Monica: Why don't you just be straight with her? Tell her the truth.
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: You're right, you're right. I should just tell her the truth.
[Phoebe enters]
Phoebe: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Pheebs, Monica tripped me, I don't think I can ever run again, ever!
Phoebe: Why? Why would you do that?
Monica: I don't know. Rachel I'm-I'm sorry that I hurt your ankles.
Rachel: Ankle.
Monica: We'll see.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s new apartment, Chandler is putting something away under the sink.]
Chandler: OK, I'm officially unpacked. Thanks for helping me man. (Turns around and sees that Joey isn't there.) Joe? (Hears giggling coming from a box) Well, I guess Joey went home. Oh and look, there's still one box that I have to unpack. (Hears the giggling again)
Joey: (jumps out of the box) I Gotcha!!
Chandler: (pretending) Oh my God! You-almost-gave-me-a-heart-attack.
Joey: Boy, it was so hard not to laugh, I tell ya. Hey, hey, the place looks great!
Chandler: Yeah, not bad right? You know what, Monica’s gonna be working late, so I'm gonna make this place spotless. You know what else I'm gonna do, know what else I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go downstairs, I'm gonna get her some flowers. Now who wouldn't wanna live with me?
Joey: (raises his hand) I don't! No, I wanna live with the super-hot Australian dancer.
Chandler: Yeah, now how's that going though? Are you okay with the not-flirting thing?
Joey: Yeah. Well, so far yeah. But it's tough you know? I got all this built up flirting energy and I don't know how to get rid of it. (Gives Chandler the "Joey-love," look.) How you doin?
[Scene Joey and Janine’s new apartment, Janine is there. Joey walks in to see Janine bent over, stretching.]
Joey: (voice cracking) Ohhhh man
Janine: Sorry, there's just more room out here.
Joey: No-no-no-no-no, it's-it's uh, you just uh, uh reminded me that uh, I need to do my stretches too. (Starts to stretch, groans painfully)
Janine: (touches his waist) Why don't you try to do-
Joey: (jumps up and yells)
Janine: What's wrong?
Joey: Uh-uh nothing. I-I-I-I didn't want you to touch me cause I'm -I'm all sweaty from the workout. I better hit the shower. (Goes into the bathroom and comes back out quickly) Oh my God!
Janine: Oh, sorry about that stuff hanging in there. It's just my thongs are too delicate for the dryer.
(Joey laughs nervously and goes to his bedroom.)
[Scene, The Park, Rachel is running and Phoebe is hiding behind a tree.]
Phoebe: (jumps in front of Rachel) Hi! Oh yeah, uh-huh, it's me. I saw you grab your running shoes this morning and sneak out. You lied so you could run by yourself.
Rachel: No, no Phoebe no, I was...no. You know what, I was, I was actually just checking to, see, if I could run. And I can!
Phoebe: Please Rachel, I am not an idiot. (Runs off)
Rachel: No, wait Phoebe.
[Scene, Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler is there. Everything is out of its place and Chandler's cleaning.]
Ross: (enters) Wow, couples who live together do start to look alike. So, Mondler...uh, what uh, what ‘cha doin?
Chandler: What does it look like I'm doing? I am cleaning!
Ross: Did you get Monica's authorization to move all of her stuff?
Chandler: Authorization? I don't need that. I'm gonna put everything back.
Ross: Put it back exactly where you found it?
Chandler: Yes I'm gonna put it back (Mocking Ross) exactly where I found it.
Ross: ‘Kay, first of all, this attitude is not helping.
Chandler: She's not gonna care if I put her stuff back in the same stupid place.
Ross: Whoa, hello, did you just meet Monica?
Chandler: She is gonna recognize that I did a nice thing and-and, appreciate it.
Ross: Hmm -you know, actually this'll work out well. Cause when you have to move back in with Joey, Joey's hot new roommate can come and live with me.
Chandler: I see, I see, y-y-you're trying to freak me out.
Ross: Look Chandler, Monica is really weird about this kind stuff all right. Believe me, I lived with her for 16 years. She is going to freak…out. Oh my God, she's going to sit on you.
Chandler: No, she's not okay? And I'll prove it to you. I'm gonna call her right now. (Picks up the phone and wipes it off) Phone's done ehh.
Monica: (on phone) Hi!
Chandler: Hey Mon, how's it going?
Monica: Terrible. If-if I want something done right, I have to do it myself. Other people just wreck stuff. I really think I might kill someone tonight.
Chandler: Oh come on, come on, it can't be that bad.
Monica: It's worse. The only thing that's getting me through is knowing that I'm gonna be seeing you soon. I think I may even try to get out of here early.
Chandler: No! No-no-no-no-no-no. It sounds like they really need you down there.
Monica: Well, are you just hanging out with Ross?
Chandler: It's, all good! Okay bye-bye Mon! (To Ross) She's-she's gonna kill me.
Ross: Yeah, the phone was facing the other way. (Chandler fixes it and a picture frame off the table.) And that goes back up there.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, continued from earlier.]
Chandler: We should start with the big stuff. Y’know? That'll be the easiest. Uh, let's start with the couch. (He picks up one end and Ross doesn't help) I got it. (He moves it back to where he thinks it goes.)
Ross: Yeah that-that, doesn't look right.
Chandler: What are you talking about? The couch is perfectly in line with the carpet. And then I can just walk over here and casually just put my feet right up on the...(Tries to rest his feet on the coffee table but they won't reach) OK, OK, here's what we do, we just uh, move the couch closer to the coffee table.
Ross: Whoa, whoa, but then the back of the couch won't line up with he back of the carpet.
Chandler: OK well here, we'll just move the coffee table closer to the couch.
Ross: Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, but then the coffee table won't be centered in the seating area.
Chandler: Yes, but the coffee table doesn't match the...blahebdmsdlkhdyslkd;btyds...Rooosss!!!!
Joey: (entering) Look, what am I gonna do? I'm not flirting but still, I'm drawing her to me like - like a moth to a flame! (Tries to put his feet on the coffee table...they won't reach and looks around.) What the hell's going on over here?!?!? (Points to Chandler) Monica's gonna kill you! Look I need your help, I have to do something to-to repel this woman! Wait a minute, wait a minute, you guys repel women all the time.
Ross: Hey, I've been married 3 times
(Chandler gives him a round of mock applause.)
Joey: No-no-no I've seen it happen, you-you get a rapport going with a woman but somehow you manage to kill it. What's your secret?
Ross: Look, we do not repel women OK? That is completely untrue.
Chandler: Oh no, yes we do my man. Remember when we were back in college and we went to that spring dance and you walked right up to that girl you liked and you could not stop talking about the Irish potato famine?
Ross: Yeah, well what about you? You weren't you know, so hot in college either. After everything he said, he'd go "ba dum bum chessh"
Chandler: Yeah, Monica doesn't like that either, Maybe I should stop doing that.
Ross: Oh y'know what, girls don't like it when I start talking about science.
Chandler: That's not specific to girls.
Joey: This is great, this is great, what else, what else?
Ross: Uh, they don't like it when you correct their grammar.
Chandler: And they don't like it when you explain why your jokes are funny.
Ross: They don't like it when you keep asking them if they like you.
Chandler: Man, I'm so lucky I have Monica.
Ross: (nonchalantly) I'm never gonna find love again.
[Scene{s:1:tongue}hoebe and Rachel’s, Rachel is there as Phoebe enters.]
Rachel: Hey Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second?
Phoebe: Sure
Rachel: Okay, um, I...(Phoebe walks into her room.) All right Phoebe look, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. OK? I handled the situation horribly and I should not have lied to you.
Phoebe: So, what should you have done?
Rachel: Well, I-I should've told you the truth.
Phoebe: Uh-Huh, Which is...?
Rachel: Well, y'know, the reason I didn't wanna go running with you is because um, well y'know the way that you run is a little...(Starts flapping her arms)
Phoebe: So?
Rachel: Well, it's embarrassing. People were looking at us like we were crazy.
Phoebe: Why do you care?
Rachel: Because they're people.
Phoebe: But people that you don't know and will never see again.
Rachel: Yes, but still. They're people…with eyes.
Phoebe: Well, I didn't get embarrassed running next to Miss (panting). But no, okay. No, no, I can see why running with me would be embarrassing to you. Yeah, okay. You're uptight.
Rachel: I-I am not uptight—Hey-hey-hey-oh-oh! Listen, I am not uptight, man.
Phoebe: That's okay Rachel. I'm not judging you; that's just who you are. Me. I'm more free y'know? I run like I did when I was a kid, cause that's the only way it's fun. Y'know, I mean didn’t you ever run so fast you thought your legs were gonna fall off? Y'know, like when you were like running towards the swings or running away from Satan? (Rachel looks confused) The neighbor's dog.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler has the tape measure out and is busy lining up the lamp on the kitchen counter, Ross is supervising the whole operation.]
Chandler: Okay, is this lamp in the same place?
Ross: Who cares? I repel women.
[Monica tries to come in]
Chandler: (blocks the door) No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no!!! You can't come in here! R-r-r-r-Ross is naked.
Monica: What?!
Ross: (whispers) What?!
Chandler: (to Ross) I couldn't say that I was naked because she's allowed too see me naked.
Ross: Why does anyone have to be naked?
Monica: Why is Ross naked?
Ross: I-I had to show Chandler something?
Monica: Naked?
Ross: Yeah-yeah I uh, I have a uh, a guy problem.
Monica: Is it the same thing that Chandler had?
Chandler: Look, uh, just come later, we'll get everything squared away and you can come back later.
Monica: Okay, listen, there's still some of Chandler's medicine under the sink in the bathroom. Bye!
Chandler: Bye! Thank God
Ross: Dude, what'd you have?
Chandler: Look, we have no time okay? We must focus. We gotta get everything back into its original place.
Ross: (realizes something) The photo album! There were millions of pictures of the apartment in the photo album. We just go through it and match everything to the pictures.
Chandler: That's perfect! That's brilliant! (Starts going through the photo album)
Ross: So really, what'd ya have?
[Scene: Joey and Janine's, Janine's there. Joey enters]
Janine: Hey Joey, I got some beer for you.
Joey: Uh, don't you mean "for whom?"
Janine: Sure, listen I was gonna order some pizza, you wanna share one?
Joey: Pizza, heh, its not like I never had that before...ba dum bum cheshhh.
Janine: Is there something wrong?
Joey: All right, All right, let's just get this out in the open okay? You're hot. I'm lovable. Clearly there's a vibe going on between us. But, we're roommates and it's a huge mistake for us to continue down this road.
Janine: Joey...
Joey: No, no, no, I'm telling ya. Imagine yourself living in a supermarket and you will understand okay? So the question is, what do we do?
Janine: Well, I don't think there is anything to do. I mean I think you're really sweet, but I'm just not interested in you like that.
Joey: Oh!
Janine: No! I mean you're a really nice guy and I'm happy to be your roommate and your friend, I'm just y'know, I just don't feel that way about you.
Joey: Oh! I see what happened. It's because I was trying to repel you. Right? Believe me, you'd feel a lot different if I turned it on.
Janine: I don't think so.
Joey: Oh, I do. (Gives her the Joey-love look.) How you doin?
Janine: I'm OK
Joey: What?!?!
Janine: What?
Joey: Oh dear God!
[Scene: The park, Rachel's running by herself and panting. After a little while she decides to run like Phoebe.]
Rachel: (Runs into Phoebe.) Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Oh honey, I'm so sorry, you were right, this feels great!
Phoebe: See? And you don't care if people are staring, it's just for a second cause then you're gone!
Rachel: Gone! I mean its amazing Pheebs. I feel so free and so graceful. (Turns and bumps into a mounted policeman and falls) Hey! Look out for the horse! Sorry! (Runs off.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler and Ross are there. Monica enters]
Monica: Is it okay for me to come in now?
Chandler: Uh-huh
Monica: Why is everything different?
Ross: Bye! (Runs out)
Chandler: No, I don't see anything different other than the fact that the room got so much brighter when you came into it. (Forced laughter)
Monica: Well, the end table is wrong, The couch looks bizarre and don't even get me started on the refrigerator magnets.
Chandler: Okay look, don't...don't be mad okay? But after I unpacked the boxes I wanted to do something nice for you, so, I-I-I cleaned the apartment. So I moved everything around and then I forgot where it, where it went back and I'm sorry, I'm very sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Monica: It's okay. Chandler, are you afraid of me or something?
Chandler: Do you want me to be afraid of you?
Monica: Of course not. I mean gosh, Chandler what you did, it's, it's a wonderful thing and I really appreciate it. I know I have this weird thing where I want everything to be in the perfect place, but I'd never expect you to worry about that.
Chandler: Really?
Monica: Of course!
Chandler: Oh well you're the best. You come here to me.
Monica: All right, hold on okay? First thing's first. (Gets her cleaning gloves on) Okay, now did Ross sit anywhere while he was naked?
Closing Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Janine and Chandler are there]
Ross: So it said that by the year 2030, there'll be computers that can carry out the same number of functions as an actual human brain. So theoretically we could download our thoughts and our memories into this computer...
Janine: ...and live forever as a machine!
Ross: That's so Janine, you-you-you know what, do you know we're doing right now? You and I, we're interfacing.
Janine: Yeah, I gotta go.
Chandler: Ba dum bumb cheshhh!
End
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608 The One With Ross’s Teeth
[Scene: Joey and Janine’s, Chandler knocks on the front door. Joey answers the door.]
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: Hi, my name’s Chandler. I just moved in next door and I was wondering if you would be interested in battling me in a post-apoplectic world for control of the galaxies last remaining energy source?
Joey: Sure, neighbor come on in.
Chandler: So, is Janine around?
Joey: Uh, no, she’s at dance class.
Chandler: Can I check out what she did to my room?
Joey: Yeah, but, hey look, don’t go through her stuff. She gets really mad.(Chandler gives him a look and walks to the door of his old room.)
Chandler: (The room is filled with flowers and a floral print sheet on the bed.) Oh my God. What is th… it’s like a guy never lived in here. Look, you’ve got to be careful. This girl thing is dangerous. (Looking around the living room.) It’s spreading already.
Joey: (Looking around the room.) It is???
Chandler: (Picking up a pillow.) Yeah, is this your pretty pink pillow on the couch?
Joey: No.
Chandler: (Pointing to the table and picking up the box.) Is that your tiny little box, that’s too small to put anything in?
Joey: No.
Chandler: No! Ok, this is not good. You are a guy. Ok? This is a guys place. If you let this go, you’re going to be sitting around with your fingers soaking in stuff.
Joey: (With Big Eyes.) All right, you’re right. I’ll talk to her.
Chandler: Yes talk to her. Be a man.
Joey: I’m a man.
Chandler: Defend yourself.
Joey: (Grunting) Hmm. (Monica opens the front door and comes in.)
Monica: Chandler come on. We have to hem the new dust ruffle.
Chandler: Be right there sweetums. (Monica leaves. To Joey.) A totally different situation.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, The gangs all here. Monica is walking in.]
Monica: Hey guys.
Chandler: Hey, how was your breakfast with Hillary?
Monica: It was okay. She’s still kind of depressed because she broke up with her boyfriend.
Chandler: Ohh, yeah.
Ross: Well, is this Hillary your HOT assistant chef Hillary?
Monica: Yeah.
Ross: The one that always stares at me when I come in?
Monica: No, the one who looked at you once because you got in her way.
Ross: Still I could tell. She was into me. (Joey rolls his eyes.) Well, why don’t you set us up?
Rachel: Ohh, are you setting Ross up with someone? Does she have a wedding dress?
Phoebe: (Walking over and Sitting down.) Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Phoebe: Rachel?
Rachel: Yeah.
Phoebe: I’m, uhh, making up flyers trying to get new massage clients. So, can I come to Bloomingdale’s and use the copy machine.
Rachel: Well, sure, but they might think it’s kinda weird considering I don’t work there anymore.
Phoebe: Oh my God. What happened?
Rachel: I-I, got a job at Ralph Lauren.
Phoebe: Well that’s great! Congratulations!! (She hugs Rachel.)
Rachel: Yeah. (chuckling) A year ago..
Phoebe: (Hugging her again.) You’ve lasted a whole year. Good for you.
Rachel: But, Pheebs, you can still use the copy machine where I actually work. But, just come by at lunch so my boss doesn’t see you. Cause Kim will just freak out and she already doesn’t like me very much.
Chandler: That’s weird. I don’t think my boss likes me either.
Monica: I don’t think mine likes me either.
Ross: Maybe it’s a universal thing?
Joey: Or maybe, it’s because you’re hanging around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday. (Everybody gets up.)
Chandler: Yeah let’s head off to work.
Monica: We should go.
[Scene: Rachel’s office, Phoebe hands Rachel a key card.]
Phoebe: Thank you.
Rachel: Sure.
Phoebe: Now you will not believe this. But, I was in the copy room, making copies, and Ralph Lauren came in.
Rachel: Oh my God. Did you talk to him?
Phoebe: Yeah a little. He seems really nice. Good kisser.
Rachel: What? What!?! You kissed him?
Phoebe: Totally.
Rachel: (Gasps) Phoebe are you serious?
Phoebe: Yeah. I was just in there. He introduced himself and the next thing I know, we’re making out. You know.
Rachel: Phoebe, I mean, you do know he’s married?
Phoebe: No!
Rachel: Phoebe…
Phoebe: What am I supposed to do? Ask every guy I make out with if he’s married? (Rachel looks at her.) No, yeah, I should.
[Scene: Joey and Janine’s apartment, Joey stares at a picture of a bay on the wall. Janine comes out of her room.]
Janine: Hey Joey.
Joey: Hey. Uh, can I talk to you for a second? This, uh, kid in this picture. Do you, uh, know this kid? Is that like a relative or something?
Janine: No, I just thought it was cute.
Joey: Yeah, that’s what I was afraid of.. Okay, uhh…Look Janine I really want you to feel at home here, but some of this new stuff. It’s…too girly.
Janine: Ohh. Like what?
Joey: Like this. (pointing to the picture) Pictures of cute babies we don’t know. We..we can’t have that.
Janine: Joey, it’s Anne Geddes. She’s a famous artist.
Joey: Look I don’t know this baby. I don’t know if she’s a famous artist or not. You know, and I don’t want to be a jerk but you’re changing too much around here.
Janine: Well, I’m sorry. I just thought I’d try to make the place a little nicer.
Joey: Yeah but it’s too much stuff. You know like, you got the candles and the foofy schmoofer thing here and over here you got a picture of a watering can.
Janine: Well I just thought…
Joey: I’m sure it’s a famous watering can, okay. But, come on…and what is with the really hot stick in the bathroom?
Janine: It’s a curling iron.
Joey: Ohh, well, that’s ok then. But, okay my towels for instance. I come in to the bathroom here and my towel is not on the floor where keep it. It’s up here on some hook..and…smells different.
Janine: It’s clean.
Joey: Yeah, well, it feels different.
Janine: It’s dry.
Joey: Alright, I can make my peace with the clean dry towels…Also what is with these chips you bought?
Janine: No no no no, it’s potpourri. You’re supposed to smell it. (Joey takes a big whiff of the potpourri.)
Joey: (Voice cracking) Well that’s like summer in a bowl.
[Scene: Elevator at the Ralph Lauren offices, Rachel gets on her boss Kim is there.]
Rachel: Oh, Kim, Hi. (Kim doesn’t even look up from her report.)
Kim: Uhh-huh.
Rachel: So you know, I…I handed in that marketing report and I never got to hear what you thought.
Kim: I didn’t read it.
Rachel: Ahh….So…Wow…The spring line, it’s really going to be great this year, huh?
Kim: Yeah.
Rachel: So I hear the Ralph Lauren fooled around with someone in the copy room. (Kim stops the elevator and turns to Rachel.)
Kim: Tell me everything.
[Scene; Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are on the couch. Ross walks in.]
Ross: Hey guys.
Chandler and Monica: Hey.
Ross: What’s up? (He smiles. His teeth are freakishly white.)
Chandler: You know…Oh My God.
Monica: What happened to your teeth.
Ross: I whitened them.
Chandler: (Sarcastically) Really.
Ross: Yeah. What do you think.
Monica: Well, I think I shouldn’t look directly at them.
Ross: Come on, seriously.
Monica: Ross they’re really, really, really white.
Chandler: Yeah, what was wrong with your old…human teeth.
Ross: Ahh, I-I did leave the gel on a little longer then it said to.
Monica: How much longer?
Ross: A-A day.
Monica: Ross you know that tonight is your date with Hillary?
Ross: I know. That’s why I did it. (With a big smile) Come on, are they really that bad?
Chandler: No, no no no. You’ll be fine. (turning to Monica) Hillary’s bind, right?
Monica: She will be after tonight.
Chandler: Yeah. (Rachel walks in.)
Ross: Oh, hey, hey Rach, do you notice anything..ahh…
Rachel: Yeah. Your teeth? Yes, I saw them from outside. (Sitting down on the couch.) You guys are never going to believe this. But, Phoebe made out with Ralph Lauren.
Chandler: What???
Monica: Oh my god.
Rachel: Yeah I know. She ran into him at my office and they just…made out. And the craziest thing is, now my boss likes me because I told her about it and she said it was the best gossip she’d heard all year.
Chandler: I am proud of all my friends today.
Monica: My God, Rachel, I can’t believe Phoebe made out with Ralph Lauren. Ohh, I’m so jealous. (Chandler looks at her.)
Chandler: Hi, I’m Chandler. Your live-in boy
Monica: Chandler, please, come on. Look at him. (Pointing to a picture of Ralph on a magazine,.)
Chandler: Oh, I am no women, but that is one tasty dish. (Phoebe walks in.)
Phoebe: Hey. Here. (Hands Chandler a copy of her flyer and sees the picture of Ralph.) Ohh, who’s the silver fox?
Rachel: That-that is your make out buddy. Don’t you recognize him? (Holding up the magazine in front of her face.) Oh wait. Ohh, Phoebe I love you. Kiss me please.
Phoebe: That’s not Ralph Lauren. Sounds like him though.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Yeah, no, Ralph doesn’t look anything like that guy. He’s-he’s young and he’s got long hair and a beard and a hacky sack.
Rachel: Oh My God, Phoebe, that’s not Ralph Lauren. That’s Kenny the copy guy.
Phoebe: What?
Rachel: Oh..Go..Oh..and I told my boss that someone made out with Ralph Lauren. If she finds out that I lied to her, she is going to hate me even more. Phoebe!!
Phoebe: Why would the copy guy say he was Ralph Lauren?
Rachel: To get you to make out with him!!!
Phoebe: Ohhh.
[Scene: Ross’s Apartment, Ross and Monica are there.]
Monica: (Holding a shirt in front of Ross.) Okay, maybe this will make your teeth look less white. (Ross has a big smile.) Nope. Okay, colors that don’t work are blue, yellow, green, red, black, white, orange, and purple.
Ross: I don’t know what I’m going to do. That date starts in like an hour.
Monica: Hey Ross, maybe if your skin was lighter. Your teeth wouldn’t look so bright.
Ross: Oh great. So all I need to do is get some new skin. Thank you.
Monica: I’m just saying, if we put just a little bit of makeup on you.
Ross: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. We’re not 13 anymore.
Monica: Ross this is the only thing left that has a shot at working.
Ross: But, won’t she notice I have makeup on?
Monica: Please. Half the guys out there have makeup on.
Ross: What??
Monica: All right, half the people. I mean, just try it and see.
Ross: No. I am not putting on makeup. (Knock at the door. Phoebe enters.)
Phoebe: Hello. Oh good. Ross could you put up some of these flyers for me? (He smiles at her.) OH!! Demon!! Demon!!
[Scene: Chandler’s and Monica’s apartment, Chandler and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table making potpourri sachets.]
Monica: Now are drawers will smell nice and we didn’t waste these pantyhose.
Chandler: Yes, God forbid we throw out old underwear. You-you know what? I’m going to go over to Joey’s.
Monica: Wait, we’re supposed to organize the wrapping paper drawer.
Chandler: Yes, but I feel like I’ve really gotten in touch with my feminine side enough today. You know. In fact I think we’re two sachets away from becoming a lesbian couple.
Monica: You know what? This has been kind of a girlie day. You’re right, I’m sorry.
Chandler: Nah, Nah, it’s okay. I feel like I need to be in guy place. You know, do kind of like a man thing.
Monica: Yeah. Go over to Joey’s. Go over to Joey’s and drink some beer and hammer up some drywall.
Chandler: You know when guys hang out they don’t just drink some beer and hammer up drywall?
Monica: When girls hang out, we don’t have pillow fights in our underwear. (Chandler gets a hurt look on his face.) I’m sorry. We do. We do. I don’t know why I said that.
[Scene: Joey and Janine’s apartment, Chandler walks in. Joey and Janine are knitting at the kitchen counter.]
Joey: Hey Chandler. Come on in. We’re knitting pot holders.
Chandler: No thanks, Josephine.
[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Chandler enters. Ross is putting on makeup.]
Chandler: Hey Ross, I was wondering if… Oh my God!! Where are all the men???
[Scene: Elevator at the Ralph Lauren offices, Kim’s waiting for it. The door opens and Rachel is inside.]
Rachel: Ohh, hi, Kim.
Kim: Hi Rachel.
Rachel: Yeah, remember that thing I told you that happened yesterday? Well it didn’t happen.
Kim: You didn’t cancel the fabric order from Taiwan?
Rachel: Okay, two things didn’t happen. Remember I told you that someone made out with Ralph Lauren in the copy room? Well, it turns out that’s not true.
Kim: That’s not true?
Rachel: No.
Kim: Oh that’s interesting? Because I checked and only one keycard was used to access the copy machine yesterday during lunch and that keycard belonged to you, Rachel.
Rachel: Oh no, no, no. Oh God, you think I made out with him.
Kim: Listen to me. If you think sleeping with Ralph is going to get you my job. You are sadly mistaken.
Rachel: I-I don’t want your job. I-I don’t. Ohh this is such a mistake. I did not make out with him. Nobody made out with him. I did not use my keycard yesterday. I don’t even know how to use my keycard. (The elevator stops. Ralph steps on.)
Kim: Hi Ralph.
Ralph Lauren:: Hi Kim. (Dead silence until Ralph gets off the elevator.)
Kim: Yeah, nothing happen. You could cut the sexual tension in here with a knife.
[Scene: Hillary’s apartmen,. Hillary and Ross are having dinner. He is avoiding opening his mouth.]
Hillary: And after that, what could I do except become a chef.
Ross: Mmm-Hmm.
Hillary: And someday soon, I hope to open my own restaurant.
Ross: Mmm.
Hillary: You know, you’re a really great listener. Most guys I go out with, they just talk and talk.
Ross: Mm-Hmm.
Hillary: After a while it’s like, shut your mouth, you know?
Ross: (Chuckling) Hmm-Hmm.
Hillary: I’ve probably been talking too much. Why don’t we talk about you a little bit?
Ross: Mmm-Unmm.
Hillary: Come on. I want to know.
Ross: Hmm-Hmm-Hmm. (Putting his hand up to block his mouth.) Okay. I, uh, am from Long Island. I-I came to the city for college. Um, I, um, have a 5 year old son and in my spare time I like to read spy novels. But, but, let’s talk more about you. Hmm.
[Scene: Joey and Janine’s apartment, Joey and Monica are arranging flowers. Chandler walks in.]
Joey: So what’s really neat. If you sear the stems of the flowers first in a frying pan, your arrangement will look fresh much longer.
Monica: Oh my God, Joey, that is such a great tip.
Chandler: Monica, could you excuse us for a second? I need to talk to the girl with the flowers.
Monica: Okay. Oh but Joey, come over later because I’m going to teach you to make a bird feeder out of just a pine cone and some peanut butter.
Joey: Ohh, I love birds. (Monica leaves. Chandler shuts the door.)
Chandler: What is the matter with you ?!?
Joey: What?
Chandler: You’re arranging flowers! (Pointing to the dish on the table.) You got dead flowers! You got a picture, a picture, of a baby dressed like flowers! This is not Joey!!
Joey: Hey. Hey look I am still Joey, okay. Flowers they’re just, you know, they’re nice to look at. And that happens to be a picture by a famous artist. Of a famous baby.
Chandler: You’re turning into a women.
Joey: No I’m not. Why would you say that? That’s just mean.
Chandler: Now I’ve upset you? What did I say?
Joey: It’s not what you said. It’s the way you said it….Oh My God, I’m a women!!!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are there.]
Rachel: Now, she thinks that I made out with him and I did it to get her job.
Phoebe: But why didn’t you just tell her the truth.
Rachel: I did but she doesn’t think anyone would be stupid enough to confuse Kenny the copy guy with Ralph Lauren.
Phoebe: Well, hey, what if Kenny were the real brains behind the whole company? You know. What if Kenny hired that Ralph Lauren guy to be the pretty front man? Huh, did she ever think of that?
Rachel: You were with Kenny today, weren’t you?
Phoebe: Just for a second.
Rachel: Ohh, Phoebe, what am I going to do?
Phoebe: Well, the only thing you can do. Sleep with Ralph Lauren.
Rachel: I’m not going to sleep with Ralph Lauren. I mean, I could, but I wouldn’t.
Phoebe: Ohh, sleep with Kenny.
Rachel: That wouldn’t help me.
Phoebe: Ohh, yes it would.
[Scene: Hillary’s apartment, Hillary and Ross are finishing up their date.]
Hillary: I’ve had a really good time tonight.
Ross: Mmm.
Hillary: You know, I rarely connect with someone this much on the first date.
Ross: (Giggling) Hmm-Hmm-Hmm. (Picking up a piece of bread and covering his mouth.) Me, neither. I’ve had a really good time too, you know. (Putting the bread down.)
Hillary: Are you going to eat that bread?
Ross: (Putting the bread up to his nose.) Ohh, I just like the smell. (Sniffing it.) Mmmm.
Hillary: (Laughing) You make me laugh.
Ross: Hmm-Hmm.
Hillary: Would you like to move over to the couch?
Ross: Mmm-Hmm. (Picking up their wine glasses.)
Hillary: Maybe I’ll just turn the lights down a little.
Ross: (Covering his mouth with the glass.) How about all the way.
Hillary: Okay. (She goes to turn the lights off and Ross sits on the couch. She has some black light posters on the wall.)
Ross: (Looking at the posters.) Wow, cool poster. Or should I say groovy poster? (They sit down on the couch. Ross smiles and the black light fluoresces his teeth.) So, ahh, where were we?
Hillary: Are those your teeth??
Ross: Ohh, you can see them, huh?
Hillary: Yes. They’re insanely white.
Ross: I-I, did that for you.
Hillary: What’s a matter with you?
Ross: What’s a matter with me? You’ve got a black light. It’s 1999!
[Scene: Elevator at the Ralph Lauren Offices, Rachel gets in . Kim is there.]
Rachel: Kim, hi.
Kim: Hi Rachel. Ohh, I’ve been meaning to ask you. Have you seen the new Ralph Lauren sheets? Ohh, what am I thinking. Of course you have.
Rachel: Okay..Okay.. Look. I’m sorry that I lied to you before. You were right. Ralph and I were an item but were not anymore.
Kim: Oh, really?
Rachel: (Faking crying.) Yeah, he dumped me. He said, "Rachel, I can’t do this. Even though you are a very, very, very beautiful women. I can’t do this. I’m married and I’m sorry." And then I don’t know why but he said, "and you will never get promoted. Especially not above Kim, who is an integral cog in the Ralph Lauren machine."
Kim: You expect me to believe..(Doors open, Ralph steps in.) Hi Ralph.
Ralph Lauren:: Hi Kim. (Dead silence again until he gets off.)
Kim: Oh my God. He just gave you the coldest look I have ever seen. It’s like he hates you. Then it is true.
Rachel: Of course it’s true and it hurts so bad.
Kim: Ohh honey come here. (Hugging Rachel.) Ohh it will be ok. We’ve all been there.
Rachel: You and Ralph?
Kim: Kenny the copyboy.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Joey and Janine’s apartment, Joey paces the floor waiting for Janine. She walks in.]
Janine: Hey.
Joey: Hey, uhh, I need to talk to you.
Janine: What’s the matter? Are you upset?
Joey: I’m sorry but we’ve got to get rid of all this girlie stuff in here. I, uh, I got to be a man! Okay. The living room has to remain a guy place, okay? That’s just the way it has to be.
Janine: Well, if that’s what you want. I’ll just put it all in my room.
Joey: Great…Great…and thanks for being so understanding. I mean, I didn’t want to make a big deal out of this, you know. (She starts to collect all the girlie stuff up.) You could, uh, put the picture of the famous baby in my room. I mean, if you want to.
Janine: Okay.
Joey: And, uhh, maybe the watering can there.
Janine: Sure.
Joey: And a couple of these little tiny boxes.
Janine: Joey? Do you want me to put it all in your room?
Joey: (Smiling) Okay.
End
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609 The One Where Ross Got High
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is mixing some Thanksgiving treat (I’m assuming mashed potatoes) in a bowl.]
Monica: (on phone) Okay, great! Bye. (Hangs up as Chandler enters.) So guess who’s coming to Thanksgiving dinner?
Chandler: Sydney Portier? Hehheh.
[Chandler throws his coat on the couch]
Monica: (not amused by Chandler’s joke) I miss Rachel. (To Chandler) No, my parents.
Chandler: Oh! That’s great, they haven’t seen the place since I moved in!
[Monica goes to fiddle with something on the table.]
Monica: Yeah, and y’know, if you could not mention to them that we live together, that would be great! (Quickly trying to change subjects), I was thinking we would eat around four.
[Monica goes to the stove.]
Chandler: (shocked at the news) Why can’t I tell them that we live together?
Monica: Because they don’t know we’re dating. (Again, trying to quickly change subjects.) Do you think we should eat in the kitchen? (Goes to the sink and the stove to cook.)
Chandler: Why haven’t you told them?!
Monica: Um, well, I was going to, I-I-I really was. But um, then somewhere, just out of nowhere, I didn’t.
Chandler: Why haven’t you told them?! Wouldn’t they be happy?!
Monica: (trying to change subjects, excitedly) So! Dinner in the kitchen around four! I’ll see you then. (Pats Chandler on the shoulder and goes into the living room.)
Chandler: Why wouldn’t they be happy?
Monica: Well, um, because mainly, um, they don’t like you. I’m sorry.
Chandler: What? What? Why?!
Monica: Maybe because you used to be aloof, or that you’re really sarcastic, or that, y’know, you joke around all the time. Or that you take off your clothes and throw them on the couch.
Chandler: Is this why they don’t like me or why you don’t like me?
Monica: Look, I know that I should’ve told them. I know I shouldn’t care what they think. I’m sorry.
Chandler: Y’know, it’ll be okay. It’ll be okay. Because when they come over, I will be all charming, I will make them fall in love with me, and then we’ll tell ‘em.
Monica: You really think that’ll work?
Chandler: Hey, I can be pretty charming, babe, I won YOU over, didn’t I?
Monica: (hugging Chandler) I don’t think you’ll ever get my parents that drunk!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Joey and Janine’s, Joey and Ross are playing Sony Playstation. Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey! (Sees Ross is there) Oh, good, Ross! You’re parents like me, right?
[Chandler goes to stand to the side of the TV.]
Ross: (only half-paying attention) Yes, of course they like you!
Chandler: Well Monica just told me that they don’t.
Ross: (not paying attention) Yeah, they don’t like you.
Chandler: (annoyed) Do you know why?
Ross: I dunno, maybe it’s because you’re really sarcastic. Or maybe it’s cause you uh-
Chandler: (angry) Well if people don’t know they shouldn’t just guess!
[Joey and Ross get annoyed with Chandler's outburst.]
Chandler: This is great, another Thanksgiving with nothing to give thanks for.
Joey: Maybe I could give thanks for you shuttin’ up, eh?
Chandler: Maybe I could give thanks by taking my Playstation over to my new apartment.
Joey: Well maybe I love ya’.
Chandler: [mocks that last comment].
[Chandler starts to leave as Janine enters]
Janine [to Chandler]: Hey.
Chandler: Hey.
[Chandler exits]
Janine: Hey guys!
[Joey and Ross drop their video game controllers.]
Ross: (trying to act manly in front of Janine) No I don’t want to play video games, Joey!
Janine: Are you guys going to Chandler’s for Thanksgiving?
Joey: Yeah! Yeah, why? What’s up?
Janine: Well, me and my dancer friends are thinking of doing Thanksgiving uptown. I thought you guys might like to come.
Ross: For real?
Janine: No, but you should go to Chandler’s. Because none of us knows how to cook, we’ll probably just end up drinking all day.
Joey: Ye-ye, we go to yours!
Ross: Yeah, see, we-we-we have to stop across the hall, because it’s my sister. But, uh, uh y’know actually, growing up with a sister was nice because it really helped me understand women. Yeah, you-you should tell your friends that.
Janine: (not sure of what to make of that) Okay.
[Janine leaves]
[Ross looks at Joey coyly.]
Joey: How you got three women to marry you, I’ll never know.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Phoebe enters with a paper turkey.]
Phoebe: Hey!
All: Hey!
Rachel: Hey! Hey, Pheebs, check it out. Yeah, for my desert, I have chosen to make a traditional English truffle!
Phoebe: Wow, that sounds great! And what are you making Monica, in case Rachel’s dessert is...[about to say “bad”] so good that I eat all of it. There’s none left for anybody else!
[Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel laugh]
Monica: Nothing.
Rachel: (worried) Nothing?
Monica: No, sweetie, I-I trust you.
Rachel: So, if-if I mess this up, there’s nothing else for dessert?
Monica: You’re not gonna mess it up.
Rachel: Wow, Monica, I love that, you really have faith in me. Thank you. Technical question, how do you know when uh, the butter’s done?
Monica: Well, it’s done about two minutes before it looks like that.
[Joey and Ross enter.]
Joey and Ross: Hey!
All: Hey!
Joey: Oh, ooh the food smells great, Mon!
Ross: And the place looks so nice!
Joey: Yeah, hey hey, Happy Thanksgiving everybody!
Ross: Happy Thanksgiving!
The Girls: Happy Thanksgiving!
Joey: Well, this has been great!
Ross: See ya!
[Joey and Ross go to the door, ready to leave.]
Monica: Whoa whoa whoa! Where’re you goin’?
Ross: Oh, oh, we did say we’d stop by this little thing Joey’s roommate is having.
Monica: Oh, Janine, the really hot dancer girl?
Ross: Some would say she’s attractive, yes.
Phoebe: And who else is going to be there?
Joey: Uh, some of her friends, yeah.
Rachel: Her dancer friends?
Joey: (frustrated) Yes, all right? All of her hot dancer friends are gonna be there and they’re gonna be, be drinkin’ and dancin, and we really wanna go!
Ross: (to Joey) Dude, we were good!
Monica: You’re not gonna go anywhere, you said you were gonna eat here, and you’re gonna eat here!
Phoebe: Yeah, and-and leaving us to go see hot dancer girls is not very Thanksgivingy.
Ross: Oh, but-but it is, uh, it’s just like the first Thanksgiving, when the Indians and the Pilgrims uh, sat down to dinner.
Joey: Yeah, yeah, and the Indians taught the Pilgrims what it meant to be hot in the new world!
[Enter Jack and Judy Geller]
Mrs. Geller: Hello everybody!
Mr. Geller: Hi!
All: Hi!
[Kisses and hugs are exchanged.]
Monica: Dad [kisses Jack], Mom [kisses Judy]. Look! Look who it is it’s Chandler!
Mrs. Geller: (less than pleased) Oh yes of course, hello Chandler.
Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Geller, you look wonderful, it is great to have you hear, let us take off your coats!
[Chandler goes to take off Jack’s coat. He then notices little white flakes on Jack’s shoulders. He begins to wipe them off.]
Chandler: Whoa, snowing out there?
Mr. Geller: (angry) No.
[Time lapse. The gang is sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner. Chandler is at the head of the table, Mr and Mrs Geller are to his right. Joey and Ross are to his left. Monica is serving things. Phoebe is in the living room and Rachel is at the sink.]
Mr. Geller: Monica, all this food looks wonderful, you should think about doing this for a living.
[Chandler, trying to make nice with Jack, laughs at his joke and points at Jack.]
Mr. Geller: Ok, I have dandruff. There’s no need to laugh and point.
[Monica rushes over to Chandler’s side.]
Monica: Dad, Chandler was just laughing at your joke.
Mr. Geller: My joke wasn’t funny.
[Phoebe walks from the living room to the kitchen and talks quietly to Rachel.]
Phoebe: Rach, Rach, I just remembered. I had a dream about Mr. Geller last night.
Rachel: Really?!
Phoebe: Yeah, I dreamt that he saved me from a burning building and he was so brave and so strong! And it’s making me look at him totally differently. Y’know, I mean he used to be just, y’know “Jack Geller Monica and Ross’s dad” and now he’s he’s “Jack Geller, dream hunk."
[We see a shot of Jack stuffing his face with food. Some dream hunk!]
Rachel: I dunno. Y’know to me he’ll always be “Jack Geller, walks in while you’re changing.”
[Time lapse. Ross and Joey are cleaning the table while Judy and Phoebe talk by the window. Jack and Chandler are sitting on the couch while Monica sits on the coffee table.]
Monica: Y’know dad, Chandler is one of Ross’s very best friends!
Chandler: Yeah, Ross sure is a great guy, y’know I’ve always felt that how a young man turns out is a reflection on his father.
Mr. Geller: I always thought that too. Tell me, what does your father do?
[Chandler and Monica exchange worried looks.]
Chandler: (worried) He’s the headliner of a gay burlesque show.
[Rachel is in the kitchen fiddling with her English truffle. Joey and Ross, anxious to leave and go to Janine’s party, are egging her on to hurry up.]
Joey: Rach, you’re killin’ us here, will ya serve the dessert already? Those drunken dancers are waiting!
Rachel: (looking at her truffle) Look at it, isn’t it beautiful?
Ross: Yeah, yeah, what is it?
Rachel: It’s a truffle. It’s got all of these layers. First there’s a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made from scratch, [Joey and Ross make impressed faces] then raspberries, more ladyfingers, then beef sauteed with peas and onions, [Joey and Ross look like something’s wrong.] then a little more custard, and then bananas, and then I just put some whipped cream on top!
[Joey and Ross make confused faces.]
Ross: W-What was the one right before bananas?
Rachel: The beef? Yeah, that was weird to me, too. But then, y’know, I thought “well, there’s mincemeat pie,” I mean that’s an English dessert, these people just put very strange things in their food, y’know. [To Joey] Oh! by the way, can I borrow some Rum from your place?
Joey: Y-sure!
Rachel: (teasingly) And while I’m gone don’t you boys sneak a taste.
Joey and Ross: (faking dissapointment) Okay.
[Rachel leaves]
Ross: Beef in a dessert?! I- no no no, there is no way!
[Ross goes to look in the magazine Rachel got her recipe from.]
Joey: I know, and only one layer of jam?! What is up with that?
[Ross looks up as if saying that Joey was weird. He begins flipping through the pages, only to find that they are sticky. So one page is overlapping another, making two recipes look like one.]
Ross: Oh my God, the pages are stuck together!
Joey: (turning to Chandler in a scolding tone) Chandler!
Ross: Oh My God, she-she made half a English Trifle, and half a...Sheperd’s Pie!
Joey: (sad) Oh man! Now she’s gonna start all over! We’re never gonna get to introduce the hot girls to the new world!
Ross: No, no, we will. We just won’t tell her she messed up.
Joey: Just let her serve the beef-custard thing?
Ross: Yeah, it’ll be like a funny Thanksgiving story!
Joey: (shrugging his shoulders to go along with it) Vomiting stories are funny...
[Rachel enters]
Rachel: Joey, God, your apartment is like a hundred degrees!
Joey: Did-did it make you wanna walk around in your underwear?
Rachel: No!
Joey: (frustrated) Still not hot enough!
[Joey leaves]
[Phoebe walks over to talk to Rachel.]
Phoebe: Rachel?
Rachel: Yeah?
Phoebe: Okay, look at him. Look at those strong hands. Oh what I wouldn’t give to be that can of (looks closer to see what Jack is drinking) condensed milk.
[We see a shot of Jack drinking condensed milk on the couch.]
[Ross and Judy enter the living room. Judy and Ross sit down on the couch beside Jack. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the coffee table.]
Monica: Mom, uh, Chandler was just saying how beautiful your sweater is.
Mrs. Geller: Oh, thank you Chandler! I just bought it.
Chandler: Oh, yes. Well it’s very beautiful. It’s cream-colored and tight [Realizes what he just said and looks worried. Monica and Ross also looked shocked. Judy and Jack give Chandler a very dirty look.] I don’t mean tight, I mean it’s not too tight, not that I was looking at-[giving up all hope, he puts his head into his hands.]
Mr. Geller: What’s the matter with him?
Mrs. Geller: (whispers to Jack a little loudly) I think he’s stoned again.
Chandler: (shocked) What?
Monica: (shocked) What?
Ross: (worried) Dude, I need to talk to you a sec.
[Ross and Chandler get up and go into Rachel’s old room.]
[Scene: Rachel’s old room. It’s pretty much empty except for a few boxes against the walls. Ross and Chandler enter.]
Ross: Okay, I think I might know why my parents don’t like you.
Chandler: You do? Why?
Ross: Okay, remember, we were young. Hey, Spring break, sophomore year, I got high in my bedroom and my parents walked in and smelled it and so I told them that you had gotten stoned and jumped out the window.
Chandler: What?! Why did you do that?
Ross: I don’t know, aheh, your’s was the first name that-that popped into my head, I’m I’m sorry. I-I didn’t think it would matter.
Chandler: How could it not matter?!
Ross: How was I supposed to know we’d end up being friends after college, let alone you-you would be living with my sister?
Chandler: What about all that “friends forever” stuff?
Ross: I don’t know, I-I was all high.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Rachel’s Old Bedroom, Continued from earlier. Monica enters the room.]
Monica: Mom and dad just sent me in here to find out if you (points to Chandler) were trying to get Ross stoned!
Chandler: Your parents caught Ross smoking pot in college and he blamed it on me!
Monica: Ross, I can’t believe you’d do that!
Chandler: The reason we haven’t told them we’re together is because they hate me, okay? So will you fix this?
Ross: Okay, okay, I’ll tell ‘em it wasn’t Chandler who got high. Now who should I say it was?
Monica: You! It’s not like it’s a big deal! You-you don’t still do it or anything!
Ross: Alright, alright, now-now who should I say tricked me into doing it?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Time lapse. Jack is still on the couch, picking his teeth with his feet on the table. Phoebe and Judy are sitting on the table looking at him. Ross and Chandler are sitting by the window talking. Rachel and Joey are in the kitchen fooling with Rachel’s trifle. Monica walks into the living room from the kitchen.]
Monica: Dad, please don’t pick your teeth out here! Alright, and if you’re gonna put your feet up, why don’t you sit on the-
Phoebe: Monica, leave him alone!
[Monica gives Phoebe a surprised expression and goes over to Ross and Chandler.]
Joey: (to Rachel) Will you hurry up? Did you not hear me before when I told you that all of Janine’s friends are dancers?! And that they’re going to be drinking alot!?
Rachel: (sarcastically) No, I did, but tell me again, because it’s so romantic.
Joey: Well you’re whippin’ so slow! Can’t you do it any faster?
Rachel: Joey! Come on! I don’t wanna make any mistakes, alright? This is the only dessert and if I screw it up everybody's gonna be like “Oh, remember that Thanksgiving when Rachel screwed up the trifle?”
[Joey gives her an understanding look.]
Rachel: So why don’t you just let me worry about making the trifle and you just worry about eating it, alright?
Joey: Oh I am!
[Chandler and Monica are by the window pressuring Ross to tell his parents the truth.]
Monica: Ross, if you don’t tell them, then I will!
Ross: Okay, fine!
[Ross gets up to go tell his parents.]
[Joey rushes over.]
Joey: Ross! Can I talk to you for a second?
Ross: Oh, uh, can it wait a second Joey? I have to tell my parents something. No it can’t? Okay.
[Monica and Chandler make “What was that?” gestures. Joey and Ross go into Rachel’s old room.]
[Scene: Rachel’s old room, Ross and Joey enter.]
Joey: Okay, look, I think we have to tell Rachel she messed up her dessert.
Ross: What?! What is with everybody? It’s Thanksgiving, not...Truth-Day!
Joey: Look, when everyone eats that...that...Banana-Meat thing, they’re all gonna’ make fun of her, do you want that?
Ross: Okay, okay, we’ll just get everyone to act like they like it. That-that way noone makes fun of her and we still get to go to Sweet Potatoe Pie! (Referring to the dancers.)
Joey: (scolding) Dude, they’re not objects.
[Ross makes a sorry face.]
Joey: Just kiddin,’ I’ll talk to them, you distract Rach.
[Joey and Ross go back out into the main area.]
Ross: Hey Rach, can I talk to you outside for a second?
Rachel: Okay...
[The hallway. Rachel and Ross go out and they just stand there for a few seconds.]
Rachel: What’s up, Ross?
Ross: So um...Thanksgiving. The holiday season is upon us, hm?
Rachel: Yeah!
Ross: And um...You look nice today.
Rachel: Oh no. No Ross, don’t do this.
Ross: What?
Rachel: I just- I don’t think us getting back together is a good idea.
Ross: (shocked) Eh?
Rachel: I thought this might happen today. Ross, I know the holidays can be rough. Y’know? And it’s probably really hard for you to be alone right now.
Ross: (cutting her off) You’re alone.
Rachel: No, I-I live with Phoebe. I mean you’re [pity-tone] alone, alone. And I just-it’s just not the time for us. I’m sorry.
Ross: (just trying to get out of the conversation) Ah well, can’t blame a guy for trying!
[Inside Monica and Chandler’s. Joey is almost done explaining the situation to everyone.]
Joey: Oh and (Ross begins to open the door and Joey says some gibberish word to indicate to Ross that he’s not done yet. Ross closes the door again.) Okay, and uh if anyone needs help pretending to like it, I learned something in acting class, try uh, rubbing your stomach (Rubs his stomach) or uh, or saying “mmm” and uh, oh oh! And smiling (Smiles while pretending to stir a bowl), okay?
Chandler: Yeah, I’m not gonna pay for those acting classes anymore.
[Ross and Rachel re-enter.]
Joey: Rachel, there you are! Come on, let’s serve that dessert already!
Rachel: Joey, you’re gonna have to stop rushing me, you know what? You don’t get any dessert.
Joey: (happily) Really?
Rachel: No, I’m just kidding I would never do that to you! Okay, everybody, it’s trifle time!
Phoebe: So, now, Rach, this is a traditional English trifle, isn’t it?
Rachel: It sure is.
Phoebe: Wow. So then did you make it with beef or Eggplant?
Rachel: Beef.
Phoebe: I can’t have any. You know I don’t eat meat. (Faking dissapointment.) Ohhh no.
[Phoebe gets up and goes into Rachel’s old room, a smile on her face.]
Rachel: Alright, Monica, I want you to have the first taste.
Monica: Really?
[Rachel hands Monica a plate. Monica takes a spoonful of the whipped cream portion.]
Rachel: Oh oh oh, wait! You only got whipped cream in there! Ya gotta take a bite with all the layers!
Monica: Okay.
[Monica takes a bigger spoonful and a pea falls off]
Rachel: Op! Wait, you dropped a pea.
[Monica puts the pea on top of the spoonful and takes a bite.]
Rachel: Well?
Monica: (faking joy. Rubbing her stomach and smiling at the same time, like Joey said) Mmmm! It’s good!
Rachel: Really? How good?
Monica: It’s so good, that I feel really selfish about being the only one who’s eating it, that I think we should have everyone taste how good it is. Especially Ross.
[Ross glares at Monica.]
[Everyone takes a bite of their trifle.]
All: (faking enjoyment) Mmm.
Chandler: (clearly lying and hating the dessert) Yeah, this is so good, that I’m gonna go enjoy it on the balcony so that I can enjoy the view whilst I enjoy my dessert.
[Chandler exits to the balcony.]
Mrs. Geller: (lying) I’ve gotta call my friend Mary and tell her how good this is, from Monica’s room.
Mr. Geller: (also lying) I’ll help you dial.
[Jack and Judy exit to Monica’s room.]
Monica: (again, lying) I’m gonna go into the bathroom so I can look at it in the mirror, as I eat it.
[Monica exits to the bathroom.]
Rachel: Okay, now what was that all about? Is it-does it not taste good? Let me try it.
[Rachel reaches for Ross’s plate]
Ross: Wha? No no! Ah! (Ross scarfs all of his trifle down in about a second. He looks like he’s going to throw up.) (Lying) All gone! So good! Maybe Chandler has some left.
[Rachel leaves to the balcony.]
Ross: It tastes like feet!
Joey: I like it.
Ross: Are you kidding?
Joey: What’s not to like? Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Gooooood.
[Rachel and Chandler re-emerge from the balcony.]
Rachel: ...So a bird just grabbed it, and then tried to fly away with it and, and then just dropped it on the street?
[Chandler makes a fake "I know I couldn’t believe it either" gesture.]
Chandler: (lying) Yes, but if it’s any consolation, before the bird dropped it, he seemed to enjoy it.
[Phoebe comes back from Rachel’s old room.]
Phoebe: Rachel, come here. (Rachel walks over to Phoebe. Chandler sits down on the lounge-chair.) Okay, I was just starting to take my Thanksgiving nap, and I had another dream about Jack.
Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, do I wanna hear this?
Phoebe: I dunno, let’s see! So, okay, I dreamt that we were gonna get married, and he left, becuz he had to go fight a fire. And, um, so okay, I went to a night club, and I saw him making out with a girl.
Rachel: (humoring Phoebe) Oh my God, he dream-cheated on you!
Phoebe: Yeah, but then Jacques Cousteau came and he kicked his ass for betraying me! It was soo cool! Then, he took me diving and he introduced me to his pet seahorse, who, by the way, was totally coming on to me, and please, that is not gonna happen.
[Jack and Judy come out of Monica’s room and sit down on the couch.]
Mr. Geller: Boy, I’m glad I wore the big belt today.
Phoebe: Five minutes ago, a line like that would’ve floored me. Now nothing. Well, not nothing, I am still a woman.
[Rachel and Phoebe walk into the kitchen. Monica comes out of the bathroom and goes over to Ross.]
Monica: Ross? Let’s go.
Ross: Oh yeah, about telling Mom and Dad, I was thinking about maybe writing a letter.
Monica: Alright, you know what? That’s it. You’ve had your chance.
Ross: Wha-what?
Monica: (out loud, to her parents) Mom! Dad! Ross smoked pot in college!
Mr. and Mrs. Geller: What?!
Ross: (in a 5 year old’s tone) (To Monica) You are such a tattletale! Mom, Dad, you remember that-that time you walked in my room and smelled marijuana?
Mr. and Mrs. Geller: Yes. (They look at Chandler angrily.)
Ross: Well I told you it was Chandler who was smoking the pot but it was me. I’m sorry.
Mrs. Geller: It was you?
Monica: And Dad, y’know that mailman that you got fired? He didn’t steal your Playboys! Ross did!
[The Gellers stare at Ross. Ross looks at his parents with an afraid, shocked look.]
Ross: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn’t break the porch swing, Monica did!
[The Gellers glare at Monica.]
[Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting at the table, looking at the Geller siblings like they’re weirdos.]
Monica: Ross hasn’t worked at the museum for a year!
[The Gellers glare at Ross.]
Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together!
[The Gellers glare at Monica, shocked]
[Monica and Chandler both are shocked. Ross gives Monica a “take that!” look.]
Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas! And got divorced! Again!!!!
[The Gellers glare at Ross.]
Phoebe: (joining in) I love Jacques Cousteau!
Rachel: (reading the recipe magazine, finally figuring out that...) I wasn’t supposed to put beef in the trifle!
Joey: (pounding the table) I wanna gooooooo!
Mrs. Geller: (rubbing her temples) That’s alot of information to get in in thirty seconds! Alright Joey, if wanna leave, just leave. Rachel, no you weren’t supposed to put beef in the trifle. It did not taste good. Phoebe, I’m sorry, but I think Jacques Cousteau is dead. (Phoebe makes a sad face.) Monica, why you felt you had to hide the fact that you were in an important relationship is beyond me.
Mr. Geller: And we kinda figured about the porch swing.
Mrs. Geller: Ross, drugs? Divorced? Again?
Mr. Geller: What happened son?
Ross: I-I uh, I got tricked into all those things!
Mrs. Geller: Chandler! You’ve been Ross’s best friend all these years, stuck by him during the drug problems. (Ross gets disgusted.) And now you’ve taken on Monica as well. Well, I don’t know what to say. You’re a wonderful human being.
[Chandler is mega shocked!]
Chandler: Thank you!
Mr. Geller: No! Thank you! (Hugs Chandler) Monica, and Ross! I don’t know what I’m gonna do about the two of you!
Chandler: (In a parent-like tone) I’ll talk to them!
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Everyone is helping clean the table.]
Rachel: You guys! It was bananas, cream, and beef! I-I just cannot believe that you ate that so that I wouldn’t feel bad!
Monica: Well actually, I-I didn’t eat mine. It’s still in the bathroom.
Joey: No it isn’t, I ate that.
Mrs. Geller: (pointing to herself and Jack) Well we left ours in Monica’s bedroom.
Joey: Nope, got it and I got yours (Pointing to Jack) too.
End
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